Public Service Announcement

I have decided to move my blog to:

http://arifaery.wordpress.com/

I am still trying to figure out wordpress's dashboard but I'll play around with it. So yes please update your bookmarks, if you have it bookmarked. Because I'm still figuring out wordpress it may take me longer to get to the blogs that I visit.

This will remain open for now, but I've transferred everything to wordpress and that is where i will be updating.

Enjoy!

Good News, Bad News

I've seen a couple of good news, bad news segments on various shows. I felt inspired!

The Good News: I was inspired by a comedian with cerebral palsy. His comedy may sometimes be at his own expense, but it spreads awareness about cerebral palsy. I feel inspired. I've always wanted to be some kind of speaker and lately I would love to spread awareness about psychiatric disorders.

The Bad News: I am not likely to be discovered soon for having a snazzy comedy routine based on my bipolar disorder.

The Good News: I am feeling much better. The depression seems to have passed.

The Bad News: I may be experiencing random bursts of hypomania. Oh wait, that's good news!

The Good News: The students I work with a getting to know me. They know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at anytime.

The Bad News: The students know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at any time.

The Good News: I created a nifty little newsletter for my students so I could communicated updates and news.

The Bad News: I will now be sending out a nifty newsletter every other week.

The Good News: I think I am beginning to discover who I am.

The Bad News: "I" includes about a dozen different personalities.

That concludes today's Good News, Bad News. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you chuckled. And I hope it brought a little lift to your day.

Loneliness on the Rise

Here is an article from Newsweek that describes an increase in loneliness. Considering my most recent blog posts, I thought it might be appropriate.
Because the last time I posted a link it didn't last long, here are some highlights:

Social isolation in all adults has been linked to a raft of physical and mental ailments, including sleep disorders, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of depression and suicide. How lonely you feel today actually predicts how well you'll sleep tonight and how depressed you'll feel a year from now, says John T. Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago and coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Studies have shown that loneliness can cause stress levels to rise and can weaken the immune system. Lonely people also tend to have less healthy lifestyles, drinking more alcohol, eating more fattening food, and exercising less than those who are not lonely.

And more:

Loneliness can be relative: it has been defined as an aversive emotional response to a perceived discrepancy between a person's desired levels of social interaction and the contact they're actually receiving. People tend to measure themselves against others, feeling particularly alone in communities where social connection is the norm.

And then there are some findings concerning facebook and other online social networking methods:

Social-networking sites like Facebook and MySpace may provide people with a false sense of connection that ultimately increases loneliness in people who feel alone. These sites should serve as a supplement, but not replacement for, face-to-face interaction, Cacioppo says. He compares connecting on a Web site to eating celery: "It feels good immediately, but it doesn't give you the same sustenance," he says. For people who feel satisfied and loved in their day-to-day life, social media can be a reassuring extension. For those who are already lonely, Facebook status updates are just a reminder of how much better everyone else is at making friends and having fun.

I can totally relate to this. When everything is fine and dandy, facebook is great. If I'm depressed or feeling lonely, then facebook makes me feel like a loser. I can even feel ignored on my email groups. But the lonelier I am the more I cling to facebook.

The article also mentions that while loneliness is not genetic, sensitivity to loneliness may be inherited.

So I guess I need to get off the internet and make some more friends!

Today

Today has been a good day. Daria didn't come out to play at all. Or not play as the case may be. I was only a little depressed once and that was only because of a song. Yeah, apparently music can really affect my mood. No surprise there.

Today was really busy. We had an all campus event today. I was on my feet from 9am-1pm enthusiastically passing out notebooks and visiting my students. So very tiring but fun. And then of course I still had work until 4:30.

Now I have discovered that since we don't have eggs I am cooking dinner. Explanation: My husband makes this really good chicken that requires eggs. Without the eggs, I make the better chicken.

So yeah, nothing exciting to report. Which for me is a good thing.

After dinner I may take a bubble bath and have a glass wine. Ooh...relaxation.

And Somewhere Amongst the Chaos

Hello!

Manic Ari has made an appearance today. Not that manic Ari is actually ever manic. (Although due to recent realizations about past diagnoses it may be possible). It is more likely that manic Ari is hypomanic. Never mind that the hypomania comes with grand delusions. Let manic Ari have her grand delusions, even if after the fact she realizes they are delusions. it doesn't make them go away. So there to my therapist who says i'm too self-aware to have issues.

But back to manic Ari. Lately it's only been depressed Ari. We'll call depressed Ari: Daria. So Daria has been making quite the waves. And Daria has been having increasing anxiety that makes her want to shoot herself in the head. Manic Ari also has anxiety but it's more like let's get up and dance. So Manic Ari, let's call her Mary. Mary and Daria have been switching back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, like a giant seesaw. Mary is out to play. I like Mary a lot better.

Hopeless

***Warning: Possible Trigger***

I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.

I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.

When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?

Nobody Knows

I feel so lonely lately.

As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I've been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I'm not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven't heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It's just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don't feel like I have a lot of support it's like, what's the point?

Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn't that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it's really, really hard.

We'll see...

FML

I feel like such a failure.

I don't like the job I went to school to do.

I just can't get this life thing right.

WTF Does That Mean!?

I have spent most of the day on the couch in moderate misery. Somehow that nausea I felt yesterday has become a full blown stomach attack. No vomitting, in case you all were wondering, but the nausea remains. And before anyone asks, no I am not pregnant.

But now to the real root of this post.

I got my records from my previous pdoc. I saw him from late 2007 to December 2008.

Here's the sentence:

Diagnosis:
Axis I:
(DSM) 296.80 or 296.7, depending on the day: Bipolar Affective Disorder
Basically either Bipolar Disorder Not-Otherwise-Specified or Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode unspecified.
*Please note that all this time I have thought that they were telling me I had Bipolar II Disorder.

Axis II: ? B Cluster (Nov. 2007)
B Cluster (Jan. 2008 - Jun. 2008)
In September the word "defer" follows the Axis II. So they don't ever define the BPD, just place in the cluster of personalities in which BPD exists.
*I knew there was no real certainty over whether or not I have BPD. Although having just the cluster B label does fit in with me thinking that I have symptoms both of BPD and HPD (Histrionic) though not always necessarily enough to have either diagnosis. I will be asking my current therapist what "defer" means.

Interesting stuff huh? Yeah, I don't think doctors expect their patients to have a home copy of the DSM. I'm gonna take my records to my therapist and ask her to translate for me.

The interesting thing is that the pdoc's notes describe a fairly stable girl. I remember things being much more distressing, until I met my hubby anyway.

So all this really kind of reinforces the idea that I really shouldn't worry about labels. They don't describe me.

Of course, despite the stomach attack I'm in a fairly good mood. Who knows what I'll think about labels tomorrow.

Debbie Downer

Have you ever felt like you're such a downer that no one wants to talk to you?

I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.

The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.

Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.

Paradox

Please note that I am not referring to a pair of ducks.

It's amazing how one can be okay and totally not okay at the same time. I felt like absolute shit this morning, woke up late, had to throw together some makeshift lunch, and then dropped a peach slice on my keyboard. Now dropping a peach slice on a keyboard may not seem like a big deal. However, this was a canned peach slice with lots of sugary sweetness to possibly make my keyboard. And when one has a very small sliver of brain left, dropping a sugary peach slice can be quite the last straw. It was not as I have retained my personality and (though admittedly barely there) functionality.

I still feel like shit. But I can kind of function. Today is a low key day. Just a few meetings. I do have to stay after hours but that doesn't seem so catastrophic at the moment.

How can one be depressed but able to laugh at the same time. I do not understand this paradox.

This is how I feel

A Most Unfortunate Friend

Depression is a rather unfortunate friend to have. It's the kind of friend that doesn't know how to leave you alone. He visits at the most inopportune times. He makes other relationships difficult to maintain. He lures to laziness so that chores remain undone. And this dysfunctional relationship makes going--and staying--to work quite difficult. He's the kind of friend you wish would go away but you don't know how to make him leave.

And yet this unwelcome visitor is a friend. I know him quite intimately. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets. And we've known each other for quite a long time.

Perhaps the most irritating part of this friendship is that sometimes he'll leave me alone. I can go a whole day without seeing him. I'll think he's gone to terrorize another. But then I wake up the next morning, and there he is. Turns out he never left, I was just able to ignore him for the day.

I wish his current visit would come to an end. That and his cousin fatigue, who has been here quite a while. I could also do without his sister anxiety. The three of them are having quite a time with me, and I'd really just like them to leave me alone.

Arduous Reality

It is a long and arduous journey.

I don't even know if I used that word correctly.

The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.

If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.

All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.

Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.

I will have more in a few days.

Frankly, My Dear...

I'm losing my mind.

I'm sitting at work and can't get anything done. I have 5 hours left of this horror. I was supposed to get out this afternoon and greet freshmen and pass out flyers, which would have been a nice distraction, but the graduate students finished that. Now I have nothing to do for the next five hours but sit and stare at my computer screen wrecking myself for my ineptitude. Should I ask to go home. I don't want to do that because then I have given in.

Frankly, my dear, this sucks!

Avalanche

I am utterly overwhelmed.

Typically, I am the type of gal who can juggle several things at once. Enjoys it even. But there are too many balls in the air and some of them are invisible. There is too much input and not enough space for output.

I have reached the point of overwhelming input such that my brain has stopped. I cannot think. It is a struggle to even do the simplest task. I can barely manage to get myself presentable every morning, let alone work to my fullest capacity. My brain has stopped. It is sad that every day I lose more and more of my skills. Interestlingly enough it seems to coincide quite nicely with the fact that everyday I lose more and more of my mind. By mind I mean sanity.

I have just gotten back from lunch. Before lunch, i spent an hour doing useless internet surfing. I'm sure there is plenty for me to do. I need to create some kind of list, or plan, to get my life together at work. My desk is constantly a mess with projects I need to follow up on and tasks I need to complete. But I can't do it. I can't find the energy or motivation. I can't put the knowledge of needing to do something to action. My mind and body are at a slight disconnect. How am I to get anything done? I've worked all morning and now I've run out of steam.

I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. How will I focus? How will I come across as intelligent? How--quite plainly--will I function?

They are doing work in the staff room, which is right next to my office. So all week has been pounding and drilling. This morning was filled with nonstop drilling and sawing. It has since stopped but my senses are still overwhelmed.

Seems to be a theme.

Everyday I wonder if I should really be working full-time. But I don't really have a choice.

Does It Ever Get Better

I'm really trying very hard to be happy and peppy today. But a sudden melancholy has washed over me. But I won't give in. I have 3 1/2 more hours of work.

I just don't know what it's gonna take. Faking it doesn't do me any good but I just don't see any other option. Enjoy the moments of cheerfulness when they come and fake my way through the melancholy that seems to be a constant these days.

I've got to do something. My depression and other issues are wrecking havoc on my marriage.

Confused Much?

The new therapist says I don't have bpd. I'm too self-aware to have a personality disorder. But she can't say whether or not i have borderline traits.

I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.

I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.

I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.

But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.

I just don't know!

This makes me so sad

Everytime I hear we've moved one step forward, I find out we've taken two giant leaps back...

The Beast

***THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING***

Depression is a horrible, terrifying beast. With snarling sharp teeth and viscious claws, it plays with me as if I were a toy at the mercy of cruel cat. The thing about my depression is that it mercilessly plays with me. I can be fine for an hour, a day, sometimes longer, and then bam! I'm back in its relentless clutches.

In those moments--far to brief--when I have gotten away from the monster, I can think of all the things to get rid of it. I'm quite resourceful when my mind is clear. I have all these plans to escape the clutches of my personal demon. Plans that have a chance of success.

But when those jaws snap shut again all that will-power falls by the wayside. How can I can implement "mind over matter" when the matter has a death grip on my heart. One wrong mood and rip! no more heart, no more soul, no more anything really.

The beast won't let me go until it gets bored and let's me loose for a while. So that even when I'm free, I can feel it's constant presence on my shoulders. It lurks with evil, sadistic eyes and laughs to itself.

"You haven't escaped me yet, little girl. Don't get too cocky."

Even my Knight in Shining Armor cannot slay the beast. No family or friend can keep me free of its claws for long.

Will I ever slay this demon?

Bicurious Nature

This post is exactly what it sounds like, a little peek into Ari's bicurious tendencies.

The hubby has gotten me into RAW wrestling. My favorite match is always the divas. Two reasons: I love watching women kick ass. And, some of the divas are freakin hot! My favorites are Kelly Kelly and new-to-RAW Gail Kim. Gail Kim is so cute and she's freakin awesome! Marise is pretty but she's got a bad attitude. And Mickey James is cute too. Like I said, my favorite match of the night. Wish there were more Diva matches. I do like John Cena though!

Although the current guest makes me want to not watch this anymore. The guest host totally brought down Canada and pumped up U.S. way too much. Way to incite an international fanwar. I know they do it for ratings, but do you really have to insult another country to do it? So lame.

Okay, this has turned into a RAW rant instead of what the original intention was. But the point is I've been thinking of a college crush recently. I wonder what she's up to...

Down We Go

I am going through the motions this morning under the finding that my mood has plummeted. What was so good this weekend is now completely gone. I don't even want to be at work right now.

My exercise video was really difficult this morning. I couldn't keep up with the tempo and wanted to quit at every section (but I didn't). Partly it's that I'm so sore and partly it's that I'm so tired.

I don't know what brought this on. It could have been the episode of SVU last night. It could have been the many mini-arguments with the hubby last night. It could be punishment for the 2 1/2 glasses of Sangria. All I know is I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. For absolutley no reason. And for some reason, I can't muster the energy to look forward to my therapy appointment today.

Tomorrow's Appointment

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow.

I don't know I'm going to talk about. So much has gone though my mind this past week. The past. The future. The present. The fantasy world I lived in for so long. The range of personalities I seem to have. The extreme mood swings. I even made an impulsive buy today. Somehow convinced myself I would start painting. We'll see, it may yet happen. And now I just watched a very violent rape attempt on Law & Order: SVU and that has proven to be a bit much for me. So I off I go to recover.

Productivity

I've had a really productive day.

I did at least three rounds of dishes. Two loads of laundry. Rearranged my dresser. Organized my jewelry. Cleaned the litter box twice. Swept the cats bathroom twice, swiffered it once. Took the recycling to the recycling center. All the while dancing and singing along with my ipod. For some reason I don't really want to be touched or bothered.

All though my imaginary world has returned again. It actually made the chores fun.

And to think, this morning I didn't even want to get out of bed after the hubby got mad at me about something. After that Flirty Girl work out I'm golden. Although I would like to get sleepy so I can go to bed. I made myself some chamomile tea so hopefully that will calm me down. I just have to wait for it to get cool enough to drink.

Work to Happy

My mood is in one of those limbo states again.

I tried out my Flirty Girl fitness video finally. Wow! This video kicked my ass. Definitely gonna have to use the inhaler before I begin the video. It was great though for several reasons: 1) it really works up a sweat, 2) I can feel my muscles working out 3) I love dancing so it's fun, 4) I do it in the privacy of my own home before my hubby wakes up so I don't get embarrassed, 5) the woman in the video is constantly telling me how good I look...lol!

I think I'll actually be able to do this (vs. the gym) because it's actually fun. And there's no time to get bored. I love it!

It had my mood up for quite sometime after the workout. I got dishes done and am doing laundry. Now...my mood's still up but not quite as energetic. Is this a normal mood? I don't know if I like it...

Art Show

So I spent a couple hours drawing and coloring. It got some of the blahness out of me.


The drawing was really more for the vase than for the flower. But I found a flower I like, though I didn't do it justice.


I have a real fascination for shoes used in art. Thought I'd try my hand at it.

So, by no means do I have any artistic ability, but I thought I'd share my Friday entertainment.

Madness

So I made it through the retreat in one piece and one mind...sorta. I made the two days without any kind of breakdown. Although today I have run quite the gamut of emotions. I've teetered on the edge of dissociation, depression, and I think I managed to sneak some hypomania in there too. Now I don't know what I feel. I'm all jumbled up in the head. I've thought today about identifying as someone with an invisible disability (which happens to be a target group on the scale of oppression, we played The Game Of Oppression this morning), thinking of how my bipolar and bpd affect me, denying I have bipolar and bpd, and ultimately deciding that if I don't think about it then it won't bother me. (Although it didn't keep me from reading my email groups and blogs).

I'm pretty convinced right now that if I just stop thinking and trying so hard, and can become one with my madness and not have to suffer all this heartache of acting normal and trying to be understood. Right now, at this very moment, sitting right here on this couch, I just want to let the madness take me away. But I won't, because that would be irresponsible. I wish I could just be damned irresponsible and not worry about anything at all. I want to take a blade up and down my arms without worrying about the consequences. I want to get absolutely drunk and hit the (nonexistent) nightlife. I want to dance all night. I want to stare off into space and have a conversation with the wall. I want to do all the things I did when everything was safe in my own mind. When my imagination was enough to make the real world drop away. But instead I'll just sit here on my couch and not worry my hubby.

I do think I'll go grab another pomegranite martini. delicious!

Past and Immediate Future

I had a bad dream last night that I got into an argument with my younger sister. She did something to really piss me off and I told her I was done with her. I woke up with a headache (again) and a little disoriented. I hate waking up from dreams like that, i never feel quite right.

This is the 2nd or 3rd dream I've had where me and my sister get really into it. I love my sister to death, and don't know why I'm dreaming these things. I got a voicemail from her yesterday, which may have prompted the dream. I'm also wondering if this is residual from past feelings. Having two intake appointments one right after the other has brought up a lot of things from the past. One of those things is my frustration (I can't think of the actual word I want to use) over her seemingly favored position in the family. These dreams may be a way for me to express these feelings in ways I never could in real life. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring it up in my next therapy appointment.

I'm headed out...well, I'm late...to a work retreat. It's an overnight and I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope I'm able to keep it together. I don't know how the stress of constantly being "on" and the sadness I always get when I'm away from my husband will affect my experience.

Wish me well!

The Horizon

I saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. A lot better than the pdoc. I know now that I had unrealistic expectations and I was frustrated that I couldn't advocate for myself.

The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.

I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.

So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.

Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.

---

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now.

My pdoc appointment was...okay I guess. I didn't get any relief out of it. Oh well, at least I got my meds.

I'm supposed to have a therapist appointment tomorrow. If she takes my insurance. The receptionist didn't call me back so I'm assuming all is well.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have work, then a dinner, then the appointment, then a DBSA meeting. I guess that's good. I seem to get depressed when I come home. Probably because I finally turn off and it all comes crashing down. I don't know what to do about that.

One of the blogs I read had an entry. She has a daughter who will be arriving to school next week at the college that I work. It was really weird to read that. It was like a connection. And I thought about telling the author this but then I thought, what if it's not appreciated. What if it's like her virtual world invading her real world? That's kind of how I felt when I read the post. So I'll stay silent.


I'm just really, really down right now.

19 Fears

Got tagged in this one on facebook. Thought I'd put it here.

YOUR FEARS...
If you get more than 30, get some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 11-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are full of crap.
Tag 10 of your friends and find out whether or not they suffer paranoia.

IF I TAGGED YOU, YOU BETTER DO IT.
I fear ...
[ ] black people
[x] the dark
[x] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[x] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[x] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 5

[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[X] deep deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[x] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
Total so far: 8

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[x] being robbed/mugged
[ ] falling
[X] clowns
[x] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors
[x] tornadoes
Total so far: 13

[x] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[x] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[x] scary movies
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[X] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up, old
Total so far: 17

[x] creepy noises in the night
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[X] needles
[ ] blood

Grand Total: 19 (ha! just made normal)

Now re-post with:
“I'm afraid of _ out of 62 common fears"

Drifting

Well, I've reached Day 2 without the mass panic that was my life this week. Even had a coffee and Dr. Pepper today (thank god cuz caffeine headaches are horrible!). Although today the (not-quite-fullblown) depression kicked back in. It's almost apathy. I went to the zoo with my visitors while the hubby was at work. That was nice. Now I'm just kinda drifting.

I'm counting the minutes til my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

Tenuous

Today has been much better. Aside from a brief moment of depression I've been pretty even keel. It might have helped that I got like 10 hours of sleep last night. Even though I feel better, I still have this fear that the feeling will come back. I guess breakdowns can be traumatic in and of themselves.

Proactivity

Well, I did some more looking out for me today. I told my supervisor about the bipolar (though I did very consciously leave out the bpd). She was actually very matter of fact about it and just said to keep her informed about what I need from her. And then I told her that with all I've been dealing with I thought I needed to leave work early (the anxiety/hypomania/mixed episode/whatever the hell is wrong with me was back this morning). She let me go after our meeting. I took the opportunity to have lunch with my mother-in-law and finally came out with it. She was really understanding and empathic about it. We were both brought close to tears multiple times. Then we went shopping together and she bought me some pants and a sign for the laundry room. It was a good time.

I was good for a while but the anxiety came back a little bit. I've been trying to stay away from caffeine today, which is hard because i'm addicted. So i had tea this morning and iced tea at lunch. caffeinated but not as bad as coffee and soda. But around 5 or 6 i finally gave in and had a dr. pepper because i had such a bad headache. After that and advil didn't work i ran to the store for some excedrin migraine. the headache is still slightly there but the nausea is gone. The headache sucks because with all this nervous energy i'd love to go to the gym. but with the headache and sometimes nausea (and/or acid reflux...too much?) it's really hard to think about working out. My head and stomach need rest but my nerves need activity. And then with being up one minute and down the next, my body just can't figure out what it needs. I am back to taking all my meds.

Eh, I guess I'm really just complaining. I just need to get through the weekend and make it to my pdoc appointment on Monday. Hmmm...methinks this blog might see a lot of action this weekend...

On Solid, If Mushy, Ground

The crisis has passed...for now.

I called a crisis hotline when I got home from work. Talking to the woman really helped. And she remembered the earlier phone call from my husband. That made me feel good. Like someone actually cared about me enough to remember all that. She was very helpful to talk to. I never thought I'd be the person calling a hotline, but now that I have I'm glad they exist.

Both my husband and my mom think I should talk to my mother-in-law. I know she'd be totally understanding and she's probably really concerned about me. It's just, how do you bring that kind of thing up? It's not like "so now you know I'm crazy" is a great opening for dinner conversation.

The woman I talked to thinks I probably need to add some kind of anti-anxiety meds to my pharmacy. I had pretty much suspected that already. We'll see what the pdoc says on Monday. The good thing is that right now the weekend doesn't seem too long to wait. I can get through one more day of work. What's really gonna be crucial is getting to sleep. I haven't slept well in the past couple of nights, and I know that's affecting me.

I am utterly exhausted from my 24-hour long panic attack. Hopefully that means I'll be able to get a good night's sleep.

The Tipping Point

I have reached that critical point called crisis.

I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.

I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy

And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...

On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?

For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.

+ or -?

I had to take this strengths test for work. You take this test and then it tells you your five highest strengths, in order from highest to lowest. I'm not complaining about the test, as confusing as it was, cuz I love these kinds of things. Tell me about some kind of new personality test and I'll probably be first in line to try it out.

What struck was that my fifth strength was positivity. As in optimism. At first I was like, whoa! how'd that sneak in there? And then I realized it was right. When I'm not battling depression, I'm actually pretty positive and carefree. I make jokes and keep people laughing and normally my glass is half full. It's just that when the depression kicks in I become a totally different person.

It's kind of a kick in the butt to realize that. It makes me hate the depression even more.

Losing It

I'm still losing my mind bit by bit. Not taking the Risperdal last night has helped the depression at least. Unfortunately it was an overwhelming day at work, so at some point tonight my brain just stopped. I had to speak all my thoughts because there was no room to keep them inside. Thank god I have a pdoc appointment on Monday.

My mother-in-law just got in tonight. There's pluses and minuses to that. The plus is I've been really needing some family in my life lately. The minus is that it means I have to pretend to have it together even if I really don't.

Wish me luck!

Sigh

That demon depression has once again sneaked in to end the day. I wasn't doing so well this morning. Then the work day was so busy that I really didn't have anytime to just sit. Which means my thoughts didn't have an opportunity to slip down as they have done lately. So I get off work in a great mood and think, yes! finally! But alas it was not meant to be. I did some cleaning in the office since my mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming to visit tomorrow and staying until Saturday. While I was cleaning I got really irritable. Now I've been sitting and as I sit the depression sinks in a little deeper. I wish I had more words to describe what I feel. Depression is so general.

*Description follows, may trigger*
There's this unreasonable sadness, just a touch, but there's no reason for it to be there. Then there is the tiredness. Like, not just sleepy but tired of life. And then I don't want to do anything. And this sense of unease that sits right underneath my skin. It's a very yucky feeling and I can't wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday.

I just feel like I'm losing it lately. I don't know if it's all the transitions that have recently occurred in my life but I do know I want these feelings to stop.

Limbo

My mind is in a state of limbo lately. It doesn't really know which way is up and which way is down. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm irritable, then I'm calm, then I'm happy, then I'm depressed, then I'm angry, then I'm depressed, and so on. What the HELL is wrong with me! Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar since my moods change so rapidly. Maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows anymore?

I Knew It!

Dang! And I have two of them.

Happy Daze

I saw this picture on a blog I read that shows that funny old lady talking about having everything she needs to have a good day. The blog post is titled "I Wish Having a Good Day Was That Easy". Wow how that one struck a cord!

I really try to practice the mind over matter crap. Of course it never really works. Fake it til you make it. Well my mind just isn't together enough to fake it for very long. But I try. I think: Wow I am so happy and today is a great day and I have so much good in my life I should be happy. Of course by the end of the day the melancholy and cynicism sinks back with the added bonus of being tired from trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I wonder if it's possible to have both Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I try to think of the possibility and my mind explodes because it just doesn't make any sense.

Despite the possiblity of co-occurring disorders or maladjusted personality traits, the fact remains that it is simply not that easy to have a good day. I cannot think my feelings into being. It's just plain exhausting.

Pampered

Sometimes impulsivity can be a good thing.

I have been wanting to cut my hair for a while but didn't really have the money to go to the salon. Well I found a coupon in the paper today for a hair-cut. So I decided to go after work. I got my hair cut, layered, and blow-dried for $6 plus tip. It's not the place to go for some true pampering, but for simple hair maintenance...I'm gonna keep that place in mind.

If this is to be meaningful...

Apparently, I like to talk about myself. And apparently I like to talk about myself in a public setting while remaining anonymous. Why might I think this? A) I write more on this blog than I ever have in a journal. B) I post more to this blog than I ever have on my other non-anonymous everyday life blog. In fact, that blog is quite neglected and I might just abandon it.

Now, having realized this revelation, it comes to my attention that if I truly wish this blog to aid me in my (non?)recovery, I should actually write something meaningful and document the things I do--even when they're bad.

So, two nights ago I was in a very very bad place. Even though I had finally found a psychiatrist I think the stress of the weekend and the absence of my husband sent me into the downward spiral to hell. (I'm sure some of you have been there. Maybe even bought a t-shirt?) So I was having a not good time. And did some stupid things. And finally took some Nyquil to put me to sleep so that I wouldn't do an even more stupid thing.

Yesterday, knowing that my husband was working the evening again, I asked my coworker to hang out. And my what a difference in mood. I felt so much better not being alone. By the time I got home I was only by myself for like an hour and a half--two hours tops. And Family Guy was on. Needless to say, I am in a much better place today. Perhaps now that I've crashed and burned (which was some weeks in coming anyway) I'll be better for the rest of this week.

Now if only I can get rid of this boredom. Yes it is 1:30pm. And yes I'm at work. And yes I will conintue to prowl the blog world after I'm done writing this post. I'm sure there's something I could do to be productive, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. I'm looking at my to do list and there's nothing that I need to do right now. Especially not when I only have three hours tomorrow filled with meetings and only an hour and a half on Friday.

Perhaps tomorrow I will have more to do. But for now, I shall prowl.

chatter box

I am utterly convinced that I talk way too much.

This is a problem that I am well aware of. And it's not so much that I talk a lot, more so that I am way to open about my personal life. I'm a pretty open person and tend to share a lot of personal things with people too soon in the relationship. I can almost see them physically pull away from the conversation when that happens.

Because I am aware of this character flaw, I try to pull back with new people and am constantly censoring myself. Unfortunately I think I then come off as really aloof or distant. Which isn't like me at all. Then it's really hard for me to get to know people because I never know how much is too much.

And sometimes I'll have realized I've shared too much so the next time I talk witht that person I pull back. Which probably seems like I'm giving them the cold shoulder.

So there is my predicament. I either share too much too soon, or I come off as snotty.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why few friends stay around for very long.

Just a Quickie

And it turns out that the Princess didn't marry the Prince
But she realized it was the Knight she needed all along.

Artistic tendencies linked to 'schizophrenia gene' - health - 16 July 2009 - New Scientist

An interesting article. I always did think myself a rather creative person...

Artistic tendencies linked to 'schizophrenia gene' - health - 16 July 2009 - New Scientist

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Get Me Through the Day

I just read a blog post that really inspired me. I think sometimes it's easy for me to fall into that black hole of depression and ignore all the good things in my life. So here's a thought that I should be proud of and shows me I'm the "bad person" I sometimes think myself to be:

No matter how tough the morning is, I have not given in to the urge to call in sick to work.

So let this thought carry me through the day.

Victory at Last!

I have finally found a psychiatrist!

Now whether or not he's a good match remains to be seen. But I actually have an appointment. Not as soon as I would like, but let's face it, psychiatrists are in high demand. And he takes my insurance. Hallelujah!

A definite plus in what has been a particularly difficult day.

Bring on the Chocolate!

7 Super Snacks That HealBy David Zinczenko, with Matt Goulding - Posted on Mon, Jun 30, 2008, 12:35 pm PDT

If some doctors had their way today, Americans would be more medicated than industrial feedlot cattle. But what most people don’t realize is that the first line of defense against stress, fatigue, depression, and so many other maladies is found in supermarket aisles, not in the drug store.

Research shows that the vitamins, minerals, and active compounds specific to certain fruits, vegetables, and even chocolate and red wine have an immediate and lasting impact on your mood, your health, your fitness — even your sex life.

Whether you have a big presentation at work, or the need to burn a few hundred extra calories a day (and who doesn’t want to do that?), why not put food to work for you? Here are seven research-backed quick cures just waiting for you in the fresh produce bins and supermarket shelves.

1. When You're Stressed...

Eat This:
1 Cup of Low-Fat Yogurt or 2 Tbsp of Mixed Nuts

Scientists in Slovakia gave people 3 grams each of two amino acids — lysine and arginine — or a placebo and asked them to deliver a speech. Blood measurements of stress hormones revealed that the amino acid–fortified public speakers were half as anxious during and after the speech as those who took the placebo. Yogurt is one of the best food sources of lysine; nuts pack tons of arginine.

Not That!
A Can of Soda

A study from the American Journal of Public Health found that people who drink 20 ounces of soda daily are three times more likely to be depressed and anxious, compared with those who drink less.

2. When You Want to Increase Your Metabolism...

Drink This:
Green Tea

Catechins, the powerful antioxidants found in green tea, are known to stoke your metabolism, making it burn hotter and torch more calories. A study by Japanese researchers found that participants who consumed 690 milligrams of catechins from green tea daily had significantly lower body-mass indexes and smaller waist measurements than tea-totalers (i.e., they avoid the stuff).

Not That!
Nothing

Skipping meals lets your body's calorie-burning furnace go cold. Spread out snacks throughout the day. Try a cup of yogurt with fresh fruit or almonds between breakfast and lunch, and a hard-boiled egg or hummus with vegetables in the afternoon.

3. When You're Low on Energy...

Eat This:
A Handful of Trail Mix

Raisins provide potassium, which your body uses to convert sugar into energy. Nuts stock your body with magnesium, which boosts metabolism and improves nerve and muscle function. (When magnesium levels are low, your body produces more lactic acid — the same fatigue-byproduct that makes your muscles ache at the end of a workout.)

Not That!
Espresso-Based Drinks

Sure, the caffeine will perk you up, but the spike in blood sugar that follows — with anywhere from 16 grams (latte) to 59 grams (white chocolate mocha) of sugar coursing through your veins — will ultimately launch your own personal energy crisis. Stick to brewed coffee with one packet of sugar, max.

4. When You Need a Brain Boost...

Eat This:
Blueberries

Antioxidants in blueberries help protect the brain from free-radical damage, which could decrease your risk of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases, and improve cognitive processing. Wild blueberries, if you can find them (or grow them!), have even more brain-boosting antioxidants than the cultivated variety.

Not That!
Ice Cream

Sugary foods incite sudden surges of blood glucose that, in the long term, cause sugar highs and lows, and make you as distractable as a toddler in the Disney store. And foods high in saturated fat can clog blood vessels and slow the flow of nutrients and blood to the brain.

5. When You're Under the Weather...

Drink This:
Ginseng Tea, Hot or Iced

In a Canadian study, people who took 400 milligrams of ginseng a day had 25 percent fewer colds than people who popped a placebo. Ginseng helps kill invading viruses by increasing the body's production of key immune cells.

Not That!
Caffeinated Beverages and Energy Drinks

Excessive caffeine messes with your sleep schedule and sabotages key immune agents. And insufficient sleep opens the door to colds, upper respiratory infections, and other ills. What's more, caffeine can dehydrate you, and hydration is vital during illness: Fluids not only transport nutrients to the problem zones, but also carry away toxins.

6. When You Need to Wake Up and Go...

Eat This:
Eggs and Whole-Wheat Toast

Eggs are a great source of protein, and having them for breakfast sets you up for a perfect day of eating. Saint Louis University researchers found that people who eat eggs for breakfast consume 264 fewer calories the rest of the day than those who eat bagels and cream cheese.

Not That!
Bagel and Cream Cheese

At 500 calories and 20 grams of fat, this deli disaster is one of the worst ways to start your day. Sixty grams of fast-burning carbohydrates will cause a dip in energy and a spike in hunger, long before lunchtime. The same goes for croissants, danish, donuts, and pancakes.

7. When You Want to Get ''In the Mood''...

Eat This:
Dark Chocolate

The cocoa in chocolate contains stimulants that increase your body's sensitivity. Chocolate also contains phenylethylamine, a chemical that can give you a slight natural high. And Italian researchers found that women who often eat chocolate have a higher sex drive than those who don't. Make sure your chocolate has at least 60 percent cacao.

Not That!
The Third Glass of Wine

The alcohol in wine affects your prefrontal cortex, which can decrease inhibition and up your sexual appetite. But only for the first glass or two. Beyond that, the toxic affects of alcohol in your system take over and are as likely to make you sleepy as they are to make you sexy. The more pouring, the more snoring.


Taken from Yahoo Health: http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/9904/7-super-snacks-that-heal/

Just a Shell

So I have not yet fully recovered from the weekend meltdown. I'm not even sure I'm headed in the direction of recovery.

I hate how such little things can set off such a maelstorm and leave me so broken. I don't even know if I used maelstorm correctly or spelled it correctly but I can't really bring myself to care.

I just feel so empty right now. A shell of my former self. Well, not former self really. More like the self that appears in moments of true sanity. Because I think those moments that I think I'm still crazy I really am sane. Or at least it feels a hell of a lot saner than this.

I don't want to be at work right now. I can't concentrate. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure I can do this job. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Now I know why the cats sleep under the covers or under the bed. It's less vulnerable. I feel like an attack can come at any moment from any side.

I'm losing it but I have nowhere to run.

Just When You Think You Know It All

Okay, so I've never thought I know it all. I don't even think I know the majority of anything. But I was convinced that I could fake it til I make it. If I pretended that I was happier than I really was, I though my mind would follow suit. Maybe like a mind over matter thing. I thought it was working.

But apparently whatever wires are crossed wrong in my head are far more powerful than my imagination, which is saying a lot.

I pretty much live my life trying to be what others want me to be. I've learned how to say what other people want to here. I do that because 1) I can never put my own thoughts or feelings into words and 2) I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. So I be who others want me to be. Which can get quite exhausting when different people want different things.

One of the hardest things for me is figuring out if I am or if I'm not. Do I really have Borderline Personality Disorder? Do I really have Bipolar Disorder? It's really hard to accept since I'm so high-functioning and I get so many family members not accepting the diagnoses. And then I don't know what other people think or feel. Sometimes I wonder do I really have these serious problems or am I just being overdramatic, hypochondriatic, and lazy?

It's hard because I want people in my life to read up and do research on these disorders to better understand me. Especially my husband. But he doesn't understand how reading books is going to help him understand me. He wants me to tell him about me. But the problem is I can't always find the words and a lot of times I don't even know me so how can I tell someone else about me. My least favorite question is "Tell me about yourself".

Maybe I need to shift how I think about life. Maybe I should just pretend I don't have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Maybe my life would be easier that way.

On A Roll

I went to the gym this afternoon for the second day in a row! That's huge!!! And I actually feel good today. Sure I had some moments that I felt really sad, but I was able to get through them. I guess mind over matter can work when I really want it to.

I think the problem with me up til now has been that I'm afraid to "get better". I've never really known who I am, and I've used the Borderline label to sort of anchor and define myself. If I get better, or I don't really have it (which I'm constantly afraid somebody's going to say to me) then I lose the only thing that has adequately described me. I mean if I get better, that means I fix my flawed personality. If that gets fixed, it changes, and then once again I have no idea who I am. I guess I'm never going to be "whole" until I can find out who I am underneath all the labels.

The other problem with me is that I crave attention. If I don't have attention then I feel absolutely worthless. So when no one replies to my emails, or comments on something I've posted, I get really, really depressed. To the point that I really began to wonder if I should even keep the blog. I've decided to keep it and focus more on what it does for me. If what I have to say reaches someone, or someone can relate to it or learn from it, that's an added bonus. But the real reason I blog needs to be from me. I need to stop seeking outside validation. If I can't validate myself, no validation from someone else is ever going to really help.

Now if only I could find a damn therapist and psychiatrist so I can share all these revelations and they could help me do something about them! I did buy some books on managing BPD. I have a whole collection of books on BPD and Bipolar Disorder but I also use them to reaffirm my identity as a helpless victim. Now I'm going to use them to take control.


On a lighter note I finally found a cheap wine that tastes good. Apparently cheap cabernet sauvignon tastes better than cheap pinot grigio. I already used one of my pricier wines for myself at a particularly low point. The other two I am saving for when we eventually have people over. It will happen someday... :)

I'm a Beginner

So...this whole blogger thing still confuses me. I need some kind of tutorial on the site.

For instance, is following a blog and becoming a member of the blog the same thing?

And I've seen so many blogs with cool title pictures! How do I get that?

And I want pretty colors too!

If anybody happens to read this post and knows some the answers, please,please, please let me know.

In the meantime I shall continue to tinker around and perhaps I'll stumble upon more answers.

Wish me luck!

Workout

I'm so proud of myself!

Last night I went to the gym. I didn't stay very long, but the point is I went and worked out. Then this morning I woke up early to do Pilates. Let's see if I can make this a habit!

A New Outlook

I've decided that I need a new outlook on life.

I do nobody any good being so damn morose all the time. So I'm going to try to continue my journey to "get better".

I'm continuing my search for new doctors. Hopefully I'll find some soon.

Until then I've contacted the local NAMI chapter to see if I can connect with them.

Time to get my emotions back on track.

Looking At Leisure To Promote Mental Illness Recovery

Looking At Leisure To Promote Mental Illness Recovery

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Needle in a Haystack

No one ever told me how difficult it is to find a doctor.

I've always had them selected for me. I've never had to select them myself! This is all so overwhelming!

See, the insurance might list someone, but that someone doesn't list that insurance on their profile. And then some list the insurance on their profile but the insurance doesn't list them. And of course there's no reviews so I can see how good they are. And very, very, very few specialize in what I need them to specialize in.

So after the second attempt which has once again left me very overwhelmed, I've selected a few names to call tomorrow and now I'll just hope for the best.

On the plus side I chatted with a friend via facebook. That was really good because I hadn't talked to her in a while. She's one of the few who can meet my quirkiness par for par. (I don't know if that's a real phrase or if I just made it up.)

One of my kittens has decided to curl up between my arms while I type. He was watching what I was doing earlier. Poor little guy has a hurt paw so we have to call the vet tomorrow and find out what to do.

Now it's time for that ice cream sandwich I promised myself!

Blackout

Today is one of those days that I feel utterly alone. Like no one in the world understands me. Even reading post secret didn't help today. I'm one of those people that's pretty open and actually likes to talk about myself when people care to listen. But I realize more everyday that no one gets me really and even if they did they probably wouldn't care.

Myers-Briggs

So I'm a real personality test junkie. You name it, and if I haven't taken it I will. Even if I have taken it I might just take it again. So naturally when my supervisor mentioned Myers-Briggs I wanted to know what everyone was, though I didn't voice this wish. She then said she wasn't going to ask us our types because she didn't want to make any judgments. Now, I don't assume that if someone is a certain personality type they're going to fit into some neat little box. I just like to know what people are because it's fun. And I'll admit, I'm a naturally curious (read nosy) person. So I've been meaning to ask a particular coworker about her Myers-Briggs.

So how amusing was it for me to come across a post about BPD and Myers-Briggs types. After reading his thoughts I wondered about the connection between my own Myers-Briggs type and my experience with BPD.

I am an ENFP: the Champion. Which makes total sense with the work I do and completely describes me. (In fact, Myers-Briggs probably describes me better than any other personality type indicator, including zodiac). ENFP happens to be pretty rare, only 2-3%. And yes I'm quite proud of this because I like being a rare personality. It's the diva in me I guess.

It's interesting because even I think of BPD as being a more introverted disorder, if that makes any sense. But it stands to reason that BPD can affect various types of personality and that it would manifest itself in different ways.

E=Extrovert
It would make sense that one of the hardest things for me concerning BPD is that fear of abandonment and loneliness. Because I'm an extrovert, I absolutely need to be around people. If I am left alone for too long, I get depressed. And mind you too long could be only a few hours. No wonder I'm afraid of people leaving!

F=Feelings
The other BPD trait that I have the most trouble with is that "emotional lability", meaning I have really severe mood swings (which is complicated by the bipolar but I won't get into that. Also, saying "mood swings" really minimizes the severity of the symptom and how disabling it can be). Not only do I feel before I think, but I'm also very attuned (and this may be where the N=iNtuitive comes in) to other people's feelings. So, at any given time I'm an emotional hurricane. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm have a real me emotion, or just picking up on someone else's emotions. Either way it means that it's pretty difficult to rationalize feeling for me. That could also be my issue with DBT and Wise Mind. I can't get to Wise Mind because I can't rationalize my feelings.

The P=Perceiving, but I don't know enough about that aspect to really comment on it.

So there's a little bit about me and good old MB. Alright, so this post really gave me an excuse to talk about myself, which I love doing. Not in an arrogant, oh I'm so wonderful way; but more in that I'm pretty open and love to talk and I wish everyone was more open. Because I would be just as happy to talk to someone about themselves. Not in a judgmental way. Just cuz I love sharing.

Ok, so I might be a little hypomanic right now. Not sure if that's it, if it's the decrease in sleep, or if it's the coffee I had three hours ago...

Routine

It's weird being a normal person.

Wait, back up.

What I mean is it's weird having a routine. (Any chance at normalcy ran quickly away long ago.) I've been a student all my life. And yeah I guess in grade school it was pretty much routine, which is probably part of why life was so boring. But college. I had no routine in college. Even my class schedule wasn't always consistent. And even though it drove me more than a little crazy, I loved it. I hate routine. It's so boring. I hate doing the same thing over and over again every single day. And that's what I always figured routine was.

Granted, routine is suppose to be very healthy for both my conditions. In fact, it's suggested to keep a routine as having a sporadic lifestyle can lead to an increase in symptoms. ...Which may be why I had so many symptoms at the end of my college career.

Given my aversion to routine, I was a little concerned to start work and have a settled married life. But now that I'm older, and (hopefully) a little more mature, I actually like having a routine. I like having a job to go to that I pretty much know what I'll be doing. What keeps it exciting is I never know quite what will happen and I can't predict the conversations that I'll have. But I do know the gist of what I'll be doing. And I like coming home and checking all my internet profiles and then making dinner. Then do what ever shopping needs to be done, spend some more time on the computer, or lay down in front of the tv or with a book. And then weekends we might do something, or we might just be lazy. I've decided Sunday will be cleaning day. Of course things like dishes are an everyday occurrence. But Sunday is for vacuuming and all the other weekly things. Hopefully soon it will be church day too.

There's something very calming about this routine. And I feel like I have some control over my life, which I have never felt in my 23 years of existence.

Now that I've all bored you with a description of my weekly activities...

One of the first things I have to do is find a doctor and a psychiatrist and -ologist. As soothing as it is to be finally working (how strange that sentence is!) my weekends are still up in the air as to how I'll feel at any given hour. And of course right now I'm feeling fine so I can't imagine what problems I have then. But when those moods strike, they strike hard and fast!

I hope I feel like this someday...

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

So I have a friend who has Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she also has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's my best friend, and it's ridiculous how alike we are sometimes. Somehow I'm not surprised that we possibly have the same exact disorders.

There is something refreshing about having friends who have similar disorders as me. It really helps me know that I'm not completely alone and someone out there does understand me, at least a little. And for the most part I'm able to reciprocate the empathy.

The problem comes when these friends want me to come up with a solution to their problems. Most of the time they're the exact same problems I have. How am I supposed to help you when I can't help myself? A lot of times I end up spouting off something my doctor has told me or I've read on an online support page. Of course then I feel like a total hypocrite cuz it's not like I'm doing these things. So I've taken to telling the truth and saying I don't know, but then I feel guilty because the other person doesn't necessarily have the same support I have, or at least had.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Besides, it's not like the other person necessarily takes my advice. But I can't blame them since it's not like I'm doing it either.

I think the whole problem would be solved if insurance companies weren't such damn bitches.

Downer

Today is not a great day, mentally speaking. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. But the things that need to be done, must get done. So now I'll go creep away and curl into myself and hopefully get things done on autopilot...

Cheap Wine

A $2 bottle of wine from Walmart, though economical, is not necessarily palatable.

The Godmother of BPD

Apparently Time Magazine did an article on BPD back in January. Here's the address:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491-1,00.html

The article itself doesn't bother. The contents don't either, except its focus on Marsha Linehan, like the Godmother of BPD treatment. My feelings toward Marsha have been quite ambivalent. Her treatment plan--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT--always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I went through a couple weeks of it and found it so boring and frustrating that the group leader graduated me from the program. I don't know how I graduated without learning any of the skills, but I just told the doctor I didn't need it. (It perhaps might help if it wasn't that hospital's practice to throw everyone in DBT. Most of the people there were in the class for depression and anxiety, not BPD). In any case, I didn't learn anything from the program and left with quite hostile feelings toward it. Plenty of others with BPD have talked about how wonderful DBT is. Maybe I'm just unconsciously resistant to it. All I know is I didn't like it.

So, considering my feelings toward DBT, it's not hard to believe that I don't usually take much stock in anything Marsha has to say. But this article focused so much on her and her therapy style. And you know what? I think I might like her. It just made me so sad, and a little nostalgic, to hear how she interacts with her patients. I would love to have a therapist like that! She's so funny and witty. She uses sarcasm like a good tool. Seeing as I grew up in a very sarcastic family, I always think highly of those who can use it well. It also reminded me of my first therapist, the one who diagnosed me. He really was a sweet guy and if I'm to be totally honest I probably had a slight crush on him. (Even now whenever I see the psychiatrist on Law and Order SVU I smile because he reminds me of him.) But he really did try to understand me and figure out what worked best for me. Yeah there were times that I got angry at him and he did make a mistep, but everybody makes mistakes. I just wish he hadn't been so quick to get rid of me. As soon as I started getting better he was like, I don't think you need therapy anymore. And of course I agreed because it was the first time in my life I felt stable and who am I to argue with the doctor?

Unfortunately it seems to be the case often with me. As soon as things start to go uphill, people think I don't need them anymore and they take off. It makes things really confusing cuz I'm like: do I have to be in a crisis for people to care about me? My husband says it's because I'm not overdramatic so people aren't pressured to pay as much attention. Whatever the case my therapist kicked me out of therapy when I should probably be in it for the long haul. But then that's the problem with HMOs. Always looking for the quick fix and not wanting to deal with any patient who needs long term treatment.

But back to my original point, I really like the person Time painted Marsha Linehan to be. I'd love to have her as my therapist. Unfortunately google search hasn't shown any therapist with BPD experience in the area, let alone the Godmother. So I guess I'll have to sit and wonder until my new insurance kicks in and I can find a therapist.

I think it's funny that I'll be looking for a therapist before I look for a Primary Care Physician.

Rejected

I'm part of two mailing lists: one for bpd and one for bipolar-bpd. I'm feeling very rejected by both of them lately. I posted a link to the online bpd magazine. I don't know if that's somehow against the rules of the groups, but I don't think either of those emails went out. I'm afraid that I did something wrong. I hate how such little things can affect me so much. I was in a relatively good mood before this.

Poem

another poem published in the BPD mag:

http://www.openzine.com/aspx/Zine.aspx?IssueID=3475

No Reason

I have a wonderful loving husband who tries to understand me and puts up with my large variety of moods.

I have two new adorable kittens who already seem to love us.

I'm starting my job in a couple of weeks.

Our move halfway across the country has been generally successful.

I have a nice apartment that we are quickly getting together.

My parents and my in-laws are helping us through this financially difficult month until my first pay check.

I am loved, blessed, and very lucky.

So there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. I just feel so empty. The feeling comes back anytime I stop doing something. I have this constant urge behind my eyes to cry. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. I can't even find simple joy in playing with the kittens.

What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to be happy?

Published

There is a new online magazine about BPD. And the author used my poem in the newest issue! Here's the link:

www.openzine.com/borderlinepersonalitydisorder

Why

Sometimes I don't even know why I blog. It's like I don't even exist outside my own little world.

Bad Dreams

I had two very unhappy dreams last night.

The first was of my wedding and graduation. In my dream they happened on the same day. Nothing went right. Some people missed the wedding and my dad was the only one at the graduation ceremony. Everyone else arrived late. And then somehow it was my birthday and no one recognized it. At my graduation ceremony my dad and a professor sang happy birthday to me but really softly so no one heard. Then my husband took off with his family and I didn't see him for the rest of the day.

The next dream I don't remember the set up but my father had put together a video slideshow for some reason. It ended up being a play back of all the bad things that happened when I was younger. There were some good things (that never happened in real life) but mostly sad events (that really did happen).

I don't know what my mind is doing to me, but it makes for a bad start for a Sunday.

Empty

Sometimes I just feel so empty and lifeless...

and I don't know why

My Very Own Diagnosis

Major Depressive Lethargia with Borderline tendencies, with uncomplicated generalized anxiety, and PTSD with night traumas with Exxonesis

Go to http://psychcentral.com/dom/ to find your own diagnosis!

Mind Over Matter

Sometimes I wonder, if I just start thinking I don't have BPD or Bipolar, will I stop having it? Isn't "mind over matter" supposed to be this great mantra to overcome obstacles. Why can't I just wish it away? It's weird. Sometimes I want to have this. It's something that makes me unique. Makes me special. But then something will happen. Or I'll do or say something stupid because I'm too impulsive and then it's like: screw you. I don't want you anymore.

So yes, I want to be special. Everybody does. But most of the time I just want to be normal.

TWLOHA

Even though I make the jokes myself. It's probably some kind of defense. If I joke about it you won't know how real it is for me.

That Makes Sense

http://bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/types.shtml

This page totally clears up some issues for me. For the past year and a half I have been struggling to figure out whether I have BPD or not. Because the diagnosis totally fits, but I don't have the "horror" stories that a lot of others with BPD have. According to this description, I am a high-functioning borderline who "acts in". Thank you once again, bpdcentral.com!

From Day 15 from mental health cartoons for Mental Health Awareness Month. Check out more at: http://www.mentalhealthcartoons.com/

Bipolar II

Here is webmd's description of bipolar ii. It's a little basic but I think it works.

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.

However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. (This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.)

In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

BPD

The DSM-IV's criteria for BPD:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Recovered

I'm feeling better about life today. Me and the hubby are loading our pod to be shipped out. We're moving halfway across the country. I'm really nervous because it's a brand new place and we don't know anybody there nor do we have a place to live yet. I also have to try to find a therapist and psychiatrist who are familiar with bpd and bd. Well I'm being told we're leaving now. Until next time.

Scum

Ever felt like an absolute horrid person?

That's me right now. I'm not worth the gum on the bottom of a shoe.

At the same time I feel set-up.

How do I blame them and me?

The Beginning

After much thought I've finally decided to keep a blog to chronicle my struggle with Bipolar II Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe others who stuggle with one or both will be able to see this blog and relate. Maybe it will help nons undrerstand the daily struggles that come from having these disorders. In the end I'm mostly doing this for myself since I seem to do better with online stuff than written.