Proactivity

Well, I did some more looking out for me today. I told my supervisor about the bipolar (though I did very consciously leave out the bpd). She was actually very matter of fact about it and just said to keep her informed about what I need from her. And then I told her that with all I've been dealing with I thought I needed to leave work early (the anxiety/hypomania/mixed episode/whatever the hell is wrong with me was back this morning). She let me go after our meeting. I took the opportunity to have lunch with my mother-in-law and finally came out with it. She was really understanding and empathic about it. We were both brought close to tears multiple times. Then we went shopping together and she bought me some pants and a sign for the laundry room. It was a good time.

I was good for a while but the anxiety came back a little bit. I've been trying to stay away from caffeine today, which is hard because i'm addicted. So i had tea this morning and iced tea at lunch. caffeinated but not as bad as coffee and soda. But around 5 or 6 i finally gave in and had a dr. pepper because i had such a bad headache. After that and advil didn't work i ran to the store for some excedrin migraine. the headache is still slightly there but the nausea is gone. The headache sucks because with all this nervous energy i'd love to go to the gym. but with the headache and sometimes nausea (and/or acid reflux...too much?) it's really hard to think about working out. My head and stomach need rest but my nerves need activity. And then with being up one minute and down the next, my body just can't figure out what it needs. I am back to taking all my meds.

Eh, I guess I'm really just complaining. I just need to get through the weekend and make it to my pdoc appointment on Monday. Hmmm...methinks this blog might see a lot of action this weekend...

On Solid, If Mushy, Ground

The crisis has passed...for now.

I called a crisis hotline when I got home from work. Talking to the woman really helped. And she remembered the earlier phone call from my husband. That made me feel good. Like someone actually cared about me enough to remember all that. She was very helpful to talk to. I never thought I'd be the person calling a hotline, but now that I have I'm glad they exist.

Both my husband and my mom think I should talk to my mother-in-law. I know she'd be totally understanding and she's probably really concerned about me. It's just, how do you bring that kind of thing up? It's not like "so now you know I'm crazy" is a great opening for dinner conversation.

The woman I talked to thinks I probably need to add some kind of anti-anxiety meds to my pharmacy. I had pretty much suspected that already. We'll see what the pdoc says on Monday. The good thing is that right now the weekend doesn't seem too long to wait. I can get through one more day of work. What's really gonna be crucial is getting to sleep. I haven't slept well in the past couple of nights, and I know that's affecting me.

I am utterly exhausted from my 24-hour long panic attack. Hopefully that means I'll be able to get a good night's sleep.

The Tipping Point

I have reached that critical point called crisis.

I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.

I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy

And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...

On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?

For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.

+ or -?

I had to take this strengths test for work. You take this test and then it tells you your five highest strengths, in order from highest to lowest. I'm not complaining about the test, as confusing as it was, cuz I love these kinds of things. Tell me about some kind of new personality test and I'll probably be first in line to try it out.

What struck was that my fifth strength was positivity. As in optimism. At first I was like, whoa! how'd that sneak in there? And then I realized it was right. When I'm not battling depression, I'm actually pretty positive and carefree. I make jokes and keep people laughing and normally my glass is half full. It's just that when the depression kicks in I become a totally different person.

It's kind of a kick in the butt to realize that. It makes me hate the depression even more.

Losing It

I'm still losing my mind bit by bit. Not taking the Risperdal last night has helped the depression at least. Unfortunately it was an overwhelming day at work, so at some point tonight my brain just stopped. I had to speak all my thoughts because there was no room to keep them inside. Thank god I have a pdoc appointment on Monday.

My mother-in-law just got in tonight. There's pluses and minuses to that. The plus is I've been really needing some family in my life lately. The minus is that it means I have to pretend to have it together even if I really don't.

Wish me luck!

Sigh

That demon depression has once again sneaked in to end the day. I wasn't doing so well this morning. Then the work day was so busy that I really didn't have anytime to just sit. Which means my thoughts didn't have an opportunity to slip down as they have done lately. So I get off work in a great mood and think, yes! finally! But alas it was not meant to be. I did some cleaning in the office since my mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming to visit tomorrow and staying until Saturday. While I was cleaning I got really irritable. Now I've been sitting and as I sit the depression sinks in a little deeper. I wish I had more words to describe what I feel. Depression is so general.

*Description follows, may trigger*
There's this unreasonable sadness, just a touch, but there's no reason for it to be there. Then there is the tiredness. Like, not just sleepy but tired of life. And then I don't want to do anything. And this sense of unease that sits right underneath my skin. It's a very yucky feeling and I can't wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday.

I just feel like I'm losing it lately. I don't know if it's all the transitions that have recently occurred in my life but I do know I want these feelings to stop.

Limbo

My mind is in a state of limbo lately. It doesn't really know which way is up and which way is down. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm irritable, then I'm calm, then I'm happy, then I'm depressed, then I'm angry, then I'm depressed, and so on. What the HELL is wrong with me! Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar since my moods change so rapidly. Maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows anymore?

I Knew It!

Dang! And I have two of them.

Happy Daze

I saw this picture on a blog I read that shows that funny old lady talking about having everything she needs to have a good day. The blog post is titled "I Wish Having a Good Day Was That Easy". Wow how that one struck a cord!

I really try to practice the mind over matter crap. Of course it never really works. Fake it til you make it. Well my mind just isn't together enough to fake it for very long. But I try. I think: Wow I am so happy and today is a great day and I have so much good in my life I should be happy. Of course by the end of the day the melancholy and cynicism sinks back with the added bonus of being tired from trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I wonder if it's possible to have both Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I try to think of the possibility and my mind explodes because it just doesn't make any sense.

Despite the possiblity of co-occurring disorders or maladjusted personality traits, the fact remains that it is simply not that easy to have a good day. I cannot think my feelings into being. It's just plain exhausting.

Pampered

Sometimes impulsivity can be a good thing.

I have been wanting to cut my hair for a while but didn't really have the money to go to the salon. Well I found a coupon in the paper today for a hair-cut. So I decided to go after work. I got my hair cut, layered, and blow-dried for $6 plus tip. It's not the place to go for some true pampering, but for simple hair maintenance...I'm gonna keep that place in mind.

If this is to be meaningful...

Apparently, I like to talk about myself. And apparently I like to talk about myself in a public setting while remaining anonymous. Why might I think this? A) I write more on this blog than I ever have in a journal. B) I post more to this blog than I ever have on my other non-anonymous everyday life blog. In fact, that blog is quite neglected and I might just abandon it.

Now, having realized this revelation, it comes to my attention that if I truly wish this blog to aid me in my (non?)recovery, I should actually write something meaningful and document the things I do--even when they're bad.

So, two nights ago I was in a very very bad place. Even though I had finally found a psychiatrist I think the stress of the weekend and the absence of my husband sent me into the downward spiral to hell. (I'm sure some of you have been there. Maybe even bought a t-shirt?) So I was having a not good time. And did some stupid things. And finally took some Nyquil to put me to sleep so that I wouldn't do an even more stupid thing.

Yesterday, knowing that my husband was working the evening again, I asked my coworker to hang out. And my what a difference in mood. I felt so much better not being alone. By the time I got home I was only by myself for like an hour and a half--two hours tops. And Family Guy was on. Needless to say, I am in a much better place today. Perhaps now that I've crashed and burned (which was some weeks in coming anyway) I'll be better for the rest of this week.

Now if only I can get rid of this boredom. Yes it is 1:30pm. And yes I'm at work. And yes I will conintue to prowl the blog world after I'm done writing this post. I'm sure there's something I could do to be productive, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. I'm looking at my to do list and there's nothing that I need to do right now. Especially not when I only have three hours tomorrow filled with meetings and only an hour and a half on Friday.

Perhaps tomorrow I will have more to do. But for now, I shall prowl.

chatter box

I am utterly convinced that I talk way too much.

This is a problem that I am well aware of. And it's not so much that I talk a lot, more so that I am way to open about my personal life. I'm a pretty open person and tend to share a lot of personal things with people too soon in the relationship. I can almost see them physically pull away from the conversation when that happens.

Because I am aware of this character flaw, I try to pull back with new people and am constantly censoring myself. Unfortunately I think I then come off as really aloof or distant. Which isn't like me at all. Then it's really hard for me to get to know people because I never know how much is too much.

And sometimes I'll have realized I've shared too much so the next time I talk witht that person I pull back. Which probably seems like I'm giving them the cold shoulder.

So there is my predicament. I either share too much too soon, or I come off as snotty.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why few friends stay around for very long.

Just a Quickie

And it turns out that the Princess didn't marry the Prince
But she realized it was the Knight she needed all along.

Artistic tendencies linked to 'schizophrenia gene' - health - 16 July 2009 - New Scientist

An interesting article. I always did think myself a rather creative person...

Artistic tendencies linked to 'schizophrenia gene' - health - 16 July 2009 - New Scientist

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Get Me Through the Day

I just read a blog post that really inspired me. I think sometimes it's easy for me to fall into that black hole of depression and ignore all the good things in my life. So here's a thought that I should be proud of and shows me I'm the "bad person" I sometimes think myself to be:

No matter how tough the morning is, I have not given in to the urge to call in sick to work.

So let this thought carry me through the day.

Victory at Last!

I have finally found a psychiatrist!

Now whether or not he's a good match remains to be seen. But I actually have an appointment. Not as soon as I would like, but let's face it, psychiatrists are in high demand. And he takes my insurance. Hallelujah!

A definite plus in what has been a particularly difficult day.

Bring on the Chocolate!

7 Super Snacks That HealBy David Zinczenko, with Matt Goulding - Posted on Mon, Jun 30, 2008, 12:35 pm PDT

If some doctors had their way today, Americans would be more medicated than industrial feedlot cattle. But what most people don’t realize is that the first line of defense against stress, fatigue, depression, and so many other maladies is found in supermarket aisles, not in the drug store.

Research shows that the vitamins, minerals, and active compounds specific to certain fruits, vegetables, and even chocolate and red wine have an immediate and lasting impact on your mood, your health, your fitness — even your sex life.

Whether you have a big presentation at work, or the need to burn a few hundred extra calories a day (and who doesn’t want to do that?), why not put food to work for you? Here are seven research-backed quick cures just waiting for you in the fresh produce bins and supermarket shelves.

1. When You're Stressed...

Eat This:
1 Cup of Low-Fat Yogurt or 2 Tbsp of Mixed Nuts

Scientists in Slovakia gave people 3 grams each of two amino acids — lysine and arginine — or a placebo and asked them to deliver a speech. Blood measurements of stress hormones revealed that the amino acid–fortified public speakers were half as anxious during and after the speech as those who took the placebo. Yogurt is one of the best food sources of lysine; nuts pack tons of arginine.

Not That!
A Can of Soda

A study from the American Journal of Public Health found that people who drink 20 ounces of soda daily are three times more likely to be depressed and anxious, compared with those who drink less.

2. When You Want to Increase Your Metabolism...

Drink This:
Green Tea

Catechins, the powerful antioxidants found in green tea, are known to stoke your metabolism, making it burn hotter and torch more calories. A study by Japanese researchers found that participants who consumed 690 milligrams of catechins from green tea daily had significantly lower body-mass indexes and smaller waist measurements than tea-totalers (i.e., they avoid the stuff).

Not That!
Nothing

Skipping meals lets your body's calorie-burning furnace go cold. Spread out snacks throughout the day. Try a cup of yogurt with fresh fruit or almonds between breakfast and lunch, and a hard-boiled egg or hummus with vegetables in the afternoon.

3. When You're Low on Energy...

Eat This:
A Handful of Trail Mix

Raisins provide potassium, which your body uses to convert sugar into energy. Nuts stock your body with magnesium, which boosts metabolism and improves nerve and muscle function. (When magnesium levels are low, your body produces more lactic acid — the same fatigue-byproduct that makes your muscles ache at the end of a workout.)

Not That!
Espresso-Based Drinks

Sure, the caffeine will perk you up, but the spike in blood sugar that follows — with anywhere from 16 grams (latte) to 59 grams (white chocolate mocha) of sugar coursing through your veins — will ultimately launch your own personal energy crisis. Stick to brewed coffee with one packet of sugar, max.

4. When You Need a Brain Boost...

Eat This:
Blueberries

Antioxidants in blueberries help protect the brain from free-radical damage, which could decrease your risk of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases, and improve cognitive processing. Wild blueberries, if you can find them (or grow them!), have even more brain-boosting antioxidants than the cultivated variety.

Not That!
Ice Cream

Sugary foods incite sudden surges of blood glucose that, in the long term, cause sugar highs and lows, and make you as distractable as a toddler in the Disney store. And foods high in saturated fat can clog blood vessels and slow the flow of nutrients and blood to the brain.

5. When You're Under the Weather...

Drink This:
Ginseng Tea, Hot or Iced

In a Canadian study, people who took 400 milligrams of ginseng a day had 25 percent fewer colds than people who popped a placebo. Ginseng helps kill invading viruses by increasing the body's production of key immune cells.

Not That!
Caffeinated Beverages and Energy Drinks

Excessive caffeine messes with your sleep schedule and sabotages key immune agents. And insufficient sleep opens the door to colds, upper respiratory infections, and other ills. What's more, caffeine can dehydrate you, and hydration is vital during illness: Fluids not only transport nutrients to the problem zones, but also carry away toxins.

6. When You Need to Wake Up and Go...

Eat This:
Eggs and Whole-Wheat Toast

Eggs are a great source of protein, and having them for breakfast sets you up for a perfect day of eating. Saint Louis University researchers found that people who eat eggs for breakfast consume 264 fewer calories the rest of the day than those who eat bagels and cream cheese.

Not That!
Bagel and Cream Cheese

At 500 calories and 20 grams of fat, this deli disaster is one of the worst ways to start your day. Sixty grams of fast-burning carbohydrates will cause a dip in energy and a spike in hunger, long before lunchtime. The same goes for croissants, danish, donuts, and pancakes.

7. When You Want to Get ''In the Mood''...

Eat This:
Dark Chocolate

The cocoa in chocolate contains stimulants that increase your body's sensitivity. Chocolate also contains phenylethylamine, a chemical that can give you a slight natural high. And Italian researchers found that women who often eat chocolate have a higher sex drive than those who don't. Make sure your chocolate has at least 60 percent cacao.

Not That!
The Third Glass of Wine

The alcohol in wine affects your prefrontal cortex, which can decrease inhibition and up your sexual appetite. But only for the first glass or two. Beyond that, the toxic affects of alcohol in your system take over and are as likely to make you sleepy as they are to make you sexy. The more pouring, the more snoring.


Taken from Yahoo Health: http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/9904/7-super-snacks-that-heal/

Just a Shell

So I have not yet fully recovered from the weekend meltdown. I'm not even sure I'm headed in the direction of recovery.

I hate how such little things can set off such a maelstorm and leave me so broken. I don't even know if I used maelstorm correctly or spelled it correctly but I can't really bring myself to care.

I just feel so empty right now. A shell of my former self. Well, not former self really. More like the self that appears in moments of true sanity. Because I think those moments that I think I'm still crazy I really am sane. Or at least it feels a hell of a lot saner than this.

I don't want to be at work right now. I can't concentrate. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure I can do this job. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Now I know why the cats sleep under the covers or under the bed. It's less vulnerable. I feel like an attack can come at any moment from any side.

I'm losing it but I have nowhere to run.

Just When You Think You Know It All

Okay, so I've never thought I know it all. I don't even think I know the majority of anything. But I was convinced that I could fake it til I make it. If I pretended that I was happier than I really was, I though my mind would follow suit. Maybe like a mind over matter thing. I thought it was working.

But apparently whatever wires are crossed wrong in my head are far more powerful than my imagination, which is saying a lot.

I pretty much live my life trying to be what others want me to be. I've learned how to say what other people want to here. I do that because 1) I can never put my own thoughts or feelings into words and 2) I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. So I be who others want me to be. Which can get quite exhausting when different people want different things.

One of the hardest things for me is figuring out if I am or if I'm not. Do I really have Borderline Personality Disorder? Do I really have Bipolar Disorder? It's really hard to accept since I'm so high-functioning and I get so many family members not accepting the diagnoses. And then I don't know what other people think or feel. Sometimes I wonder do I really have these serious problems or am I just being overdramatic, hypochondriatic, and lazy?

It's hard because I want people in my life to read up and do research on these disorders to better understand me. Especially my husband. But he doesn't understand how reading books is going to help him understand me. He wants me to tell him about me. But the problem is I can't always find the words and a lot of times I don't even know me so how can I tell someone else about me. My least favorite question is "Tell me about yourself".

Maybe I need to shift how I think about life. Maybe I should just pretend I don't have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Maybe my life would be easier that way.

On A Roll

I went to the gym this afternoon for the second day in a row! That's huge!!! And I actually feel good today. Sure I had some moments that I felt really sad, but I was able to get through them. I guess mind over matter can work when I really want it to.

I think the problem with me up til now has been that I'm afraid to "get better". I've never really known who I am, and I've used the Borderline label to sort of anchor and define myself. If I get better, or I don't really have it (which I'm constantly afraid somebody's going to say to me) then I lose the only thing that has adequately described me. I mean if I get better, that means I fix my flawed personality. If that gets fixed, it changes, and then once again I have no idea who I am. I guess I'm never going to be "whole" until I can find out who I am underneath all the labels.

The other problem with me is that I crave attention. If I don't have attention then I feel absolutely worthless. So when no one replies to my emails, or comments on something I've posted, I get really, really depressed. To the point that I really began to wonder if I should even keep the blog. I've decided to keep it and focus more on what it does for me. If what I have to say reaches someone, or someone can relate to it or learn from it, that's an added bonus. But the real reason I blog needs to be from me. I need to stop seeking outside validation. If I can't validate myself, no validation from someone else is ever going to really help.

Now if only I could find a damn therapist and psychiatrist so I can share all these revelations and they could help me do something about them! I did buy some books on managing BPD. I have a whole collection of books on BPD and Bipolar Disorder but I also use them to reaffirm my identity as a helpless victim. Now I'm going to use them to take control.


On a lighter note I finally found a cheap wine that tastes good. Apparently cheap cabernet sauvignon tastes better than cheap pinot grigio. I already used one of my pricier wines for myself at a particularly low point. The other two I am saving for when we eventually have people over. It will happen someday... :)

I'm a Beginner

So...this whole blogger thing still confuses me. I need some kind of tutorial on the site.

For instance, is following a blog and becoming a member of the blog the same thing?

And I've seen so many blogs with cool title pictures! How do I get that?

And I want pretty colors too!

If anybody happens to read this post and knows some the answers, please,please, please let me know.

In the meantime I shall continue to tinker around and perhaps I'll stumble upon more answers.

Wish me luck!

Workout

I'm so proud of myself!

Last night I went to the gym. I didn't stay very long, but the point is I went and worked out. Then this morning I woke up early to do Pilates. Let's see if I can make this a habit!

A New Outlook

I've decided that I need a new outlook on life.

I do nobody any good being so damn morose all the time. So I'm going to try to continue my journey to "get better".

I'm continuing my search for new doctors. Hopefully I'll find some soon.

Until then I've contacted the local NAMI chapter to see if I can connect with them.

Time to get my emotions back on track.

Looking At Leisure To Promote Mental Illness Recovery

Looking At Leisure To Promote Mental Illness Recovery

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Needle in a Haystack

No one ever told me how difficult it is to find a doctor.

I've always had them selected for me. I've never had to select them myself! This is all so overwhelming!

See, the insurance might list someone, but that someone doesn't list that insurance on their profile. And then some list the insurance on their profile but the insurance doesn't list them. And of course there's no reviews so I can see how good they are. And very, very, very few specialize in what I need them to specialize in.

So after the second attempt which has once again left me very overwhelmed, I've selected a few names to call tomorrow and now I'll just hope for the best.

On the plus side I chatted with a friend via facebook. That was really good because I hadn't talked to her in a while. She's one of the few who can meet my quirkiness par for par. (I don't know if that's a real phrase or if I just made it up.)

One of my kittens has decided to curl up between my arms while I type. He was watching what I was doing earlier. Poor little guy has a hurt paw so we have to call the vet tomorrow and find out what to do.

Now it's time for that ice cream sandwich I promised myself!

Blackout

Today is one of those days that I feel utterly alone. Like no one in the world understands me. Even reading post secret didn't help today. I'm one of those people that's pretty open and actually likes to talk about myself when people care to listen. But I realize more everyday that no one gets me really and even if they did they probably wouldn't care.

Myers-Briggs

So I'm a real personality test junkie. You name it, and if I haven't taken it I will. Even if I have taken it I might just take it again. So naturally when my supervisor mentioned Myers-Briggs I wanted to know what everyone was, though I didn't voice this wish. She then said she wasn't going to ask us our types because she didn't want to make any judgments. Now, I don't assume that if someone is a certain personality type they're going to fit into some neat little box. I just like to know what people are because it's fun. And I'll admit, I'm a naturally curious (read nosy) person. So I've been meaning to ask a particular coworker about her Myers-Briggs.

So how amusing was it for me to come across a post about BPD and Myers-Briggs types. After reading his thoughts I wondered about the connection between my own Myers-Briggs type and my experience with BPD.

I am an ENFP: the Champion. Which makes total sense with the work I do and completely describes me. (In fact, Myers-Briggs probably describes me better than any other personality type indicator, including zodiac). ENFP happens to be pretty rare, only 2-3%. And yes I'm quite proud of this because I like being a rare personality. It's the diva in me I guess.

It's interesting because even I think of BPD as being a more introverted disorder, if that makes any sense. But it stands to reason that BPD can affect various types of personality and that it would manifest itself in different ways.

E=Extrovert
It would make sense that one of the hardest things for me concerning BPD is that fear of abandonment and loneliness. Because I'm an extrovert, I absolutely need to be around people. If I am left alone for too long, I get depressed. And mind you too long could be only a few hours. No wonder I'm afraid of people leaving!

F=Feelings
The other BPD trait that I have the most trouble with is that "emotional lability", meaning I have really severe mood swings (which is complicated by the bipolar but I won't get into that. Also, saying "mood swings" really minimizes the severity of the symptom and how disabling it can be). Not only do I feel before I think, but I'm also very attuned (and this may be where the N=iNtuitive comes in) to other people's feelings. So, at any given time I'm an emotional hurricane. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm have a real me emotion, or just picking up on someone else's emotions. Either way it means that it's pretty difficult to rationalize feeling for me. That could also be my issue with DBT and Wise Mind. I can't get to Wise Mind because I can't rationalize my feelings.

The P=Perceiving, but I don't know enough about that aspect to really comment on it.

So there's a little bit about me and good old MB. Alright, so this post really gave me an excuse to talk about myself, which I love doing. Not in an arrogant, oh I'm so wonderful way; but more in that I'm pretty open and love to talk and I wish everyone was more open. Because I would be just as happy to talk to someone about themselves. Not in a judgmental way. Just cuz I love sharing.

Ok, so I might be a little hypomanic right now. Not sure if that's it, if it's the decrease in sleep, or if it's the coffee I had three hours ago...

Routine

It's weird being a normal person.

Wait, back up.

What I mean is it's weird having a routine. (Any chance at normalcy ran quickly away long ago.) I've been a student all my life. And yeah I guess in grade school it was pretty much routine, which is probably part of why life was so boring. But college. I had no routine in college. Even my class schedule wasn't always consistent. And even though it drove me more than a little crazy, I loved it. I hate routine. It's so boring. I hate doing the same thing over and over again every single day. And that's what I always figured routine was.

Granted, routine is suppose to be very healthy for both my conditions. In fact, it's suggested to keep a routine as having a sporadic lifestyle can lead to an increase in symptoms. ...Which may be why I had so many symptoms at the end of my college career.

Given my aversion to routine, I was a little concerned to start work and have a settled married life. But now that I'm older, and (hopefully) a little more mature, I actually like having a routine. I like having a job to go to that I pretty much know what I'll be doing. What keeps it exciting is I never know quite what will happen and I can't predict the conversations that I'll have. But I do know the gist of what I'll be doing. And I like coming home and checking all my internet profiles and then making dinner. Then do what ever shopping needs to be done, spend some more time on the computer, or lay down in front of the tv or with a book. And then weekends we might do something, or we might just be lazy. I've decided Sunday will be cleaning day. Of course things like dishes are an everyday occurrence. But Sunday is for vacuuming and all the other weekly things. Hopefully soon it will be church day too.

There's something very calming about this routine. And I feel like I have some control over my life, which I have never felt in my 23 years of existence.

Now that I've all bored you with a description of my weekly activities...

One of the first things I have to do is find a doctor and a psychiatrist and -ologist. As soothing as it is to be finally working (how strange that sentence is!) my weekends are still up in the air as to how I'll feel at any given hour. And of course right now I'm feeling fine so I can't imagine what problems I have then. But when those moods strike, they strike hard and fast!

I hope I feel like this someday...

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

So I have a friend who has Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she also has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's my best friend, and it's ridiculous how alike we are sometimes. Somehow I'm not surprised that we possibly have the same exact disorders.

There is something refreshing about having friends who have similar disorders as me. It really helps me know that I'm not completely alone and someone out there does understand me, at least a little. And for the most part I'm able to reciprocate the empathy.

The problem comes when these friends want me to come up with a solution to their problems. Most of the time they're the exact same problems I have. How am I supposed to help you when I can't help myself? A lot of times I end up spouting off something my doctor has told me or I've read on an online support page. Of course then I feel like a total hypocrite cuz it's not like I'm doing these things. So I've taken to telling the truth and saying I don't know, but then I feel guilty because the other person doesn't necessarily have the same support I have, or at least had.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Besides, it's not like the other person necessarily takes my advice. But I can't blame them since it's not like I'm doing it either.

I think the whole problem would be solved if insurance companies weren't such damn bitches.