Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Downer
Today is not a great day, mentally speaking. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. But the things that need to be done, must get done. So now I'll go creep away and curl into myself and hopefully get things done on autopilot...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Godmother of BPD
Apparently Time Magazine did an article on BPD back in January. Here's the address:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491-1,00.html
The article itself doesn't bother. The contents don't either, except its focus on Marsha Linehan, like the Godmother of BPD treatment. My feelings toward Marsha have been quite ambivalent. Her treatment plan--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT--always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I went through a couple weeks of it and found it so boring and frustrating that the group leader graduated me from the program. I don't know how I graduated without learning any of the skills, but I just told the doctor I didn't need it. (It perhaps might help if it wasn't that hospital's practice to throw everyone in DBT. Most of the people there were in the class for depression and anxiety, not BPD). In any case, I didn't learn anything from the program and left with quite hostile feelings toward it. Plenty of others with BPD have talked about how wonderful DBT is. Maybe I'm just unconsciously resistant to it. All I know is I didn't like it.
So, considering my feelings toward DBT, it's not hard to believe that I don't usually take much stock in anything Marsha has to say. But this article focused so much on her and her therapy style. And you know what? I think I might like her. It just made me so sad, and a little nostalgic, to hear how she interacts with her patients. I would love to have a therapist like that! She's so funny and witty. She uses sarcasm like a good tool. Seeing as I grew up in a very sarcastic family, I always think highly of those who can use it well. It also reminded me of my first therapist, the one who diagnosed me. He really was a sweet guy and if I'm to be totally honest I probably had a slight crush on him. (Even now whenever I see the psychiatrist on Law and Order SVU I smile because he reminds me of him.) But he really did try to understand me and figure out what worked best for me. Yeah there were times that I got angry at him and he did make a mistep, but everybody makes mistakes. I just wish he hadn't been so quick to get rid of me. As soon as I started getting better he was like, I don't think you need therapy anymore. And of course I agreed because it was the first time in my life I felt stable and who am I to argue with the doctor?
Unfortunately it seems to be the case often with me. As soon as things start to go uphill, people think I don't need them anymore and they take off. It makes things really confusing cuz I'm like: do I have to be in a crisis for people to care about me? My husband says it's because I'm not overdramatic so people aren't pressured to pay as much attention. Whatever the case my therapist kicked me out of therapy when I should probably be in it for the long haul. But then that's the problem with HMOs. Always looking for the quick fix and not wanting to deal with any patient who needs long term treatment.
But back to my original point, I really like the person Time painted Marsha Linehan to be. I'd love to have her as my therapist. Unfortunately google search hasn't shown any therapist with BPD experience in the area, let alone the Godmother. So I guess I'll have to sit and wonder until my new insurance kicks in and I can find a therapist.
I think it's funny that I'll be looking for a therapist before I look for a Primary Care Physician.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491-1,00.html
The article itself doesn't bother. The contents don't either, except its focus on Marsha Linehan, like the Godmother of BPD treatment. My feelings toward Marsha have been quite ambivalent. Her treatment plan--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT--always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I went through a couple weeks of it and found it so boring and frustrating that the group leader graduated me from the program. I don't know how I graduated without learning any of the skills, but I just told the doctor I didn't need it. (It perhaps might help if it wasn't that hospital's practice to throw everyone in DBT. Most of the people there were in the class for depression and anxiety, not BPD). In any case, I didn't learn anything from the program and left with quite hostile feelings toward it. Plenty of others with BPD have talked about how wonderful DBT is. Maybe I'm just unconsciously resistant to it. All I know is I didn't like it.
So, considering my feelings toward DBT, it's not hard to believe that I don't usually take much stock in anything Marsha has to say. But this article focused so much on her and her therapy style. And you know what? I think I might like her. It just made me so sad, and a little nostalgic, to hear how she interacts with her patients. I would love to have a therapist like that! She's so funny and witty. She uses sarcasm like a good tool. Seeing as I grew up in a very sarcastic family, I always think highly of those who can use it well. It also reminded me of my first therapist, the one who diagnosed me. He really was a sweet guy and if I'm to be totally honest I probably had a slight crush on him. (Even now whenever I see the psychiatrist on Law and Order SVU I smile because he reminds me of him.) But he really did try to understand me and figure out what worked best for me. Yeah there were times that I got angry at him and he did make a mistep, but everybody makes mistakes. I just wish he hadn't been so quick to get rid of me. As soon as I started getting better he was like, I don't think you need therapy anymore. And of course I agreed because it was the first time in my life I felt stable and who am I to argue with the doctor?
Unfortunately it seems to be the case often with me. As soon as things start to go uphill, people think I don't need them anymore and they take off. It makes things really confusing cuz I'm like: do I have to be in a crisis for people to care about me? My husband says it's because I'm not overdramatic so people aren't pressured to pay as much attention. Whatever the case my therapist kicked me out of therapy when I should probably be in it for the long haul. But then that's the problem with HMOs. Always looking for the quick fix and not wanting to deal with any patient who needs long term treatment.
But back to my original point, I really like the person Time painted Marsha Linehan to be. I'd love to have her as my therapist. Unfortunately google search hasn't shown any therapist with BPD experience in the area, let alone the Godmother. So I guess I'll have to sit and wonder until my new insurance kicks in and I can find a therapist.
I think it's funny that I'll be looking for a therapist before I look for a Primary Care Physician.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Rejected
I'm part of two mailing lists: one for bpd and one for bipolar-bpd. I'm feeling very rejected by both of them lately. I posted a link to the online bpd magazine. I don't know if that's somehow against the rules of the groups, but I don't think either of those emails went out. I'm afraid that I did something wrong. I hate how such little things can affect me so much. I was in a relatively good mood before this.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
No Reason
I have a wonderful loving husband who tries to understand me and puts up with my large variety of moods.
I have two new adorable kittens who already seem to love us.
I'm starting my job in a couple of weeks.
Our move halfway across the country has been generally successful.
I have a nice apartment that we are quickly getting together.
My parents and my in-laws are helping us through this financially difficult month until my first pay check.
I am loved, blessed, and very lucky.
So there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. I just feel so empty. The feeling comes back anytime I stop doing something. I have this constant urge behind my eyes to cry. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. I can't even find simple joy in playing with the kittens.
What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to be happy?
I have two new adorable kittens who already seem to love us.
I'm starting my job in a couple of weeks.
Our move halfway across the country has been generally successful.
I have a nice apartment that we are quickly getting together.
My parents and my in-laws are helping us through this financially difficult month until my first pay check.
I am loved, blessed, and very lucky.
So there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. I just feel so empty. The feeling comes back anytime I stop doing something. I have this constant urge behind my eyes to cry. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. I can't even find simple joy in playing with the kittens.
What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to be happy?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Bad Dreams
I had two very unhappy dreams last night.
The first was of my wedding and graduation. In my dream they happened on the same day. Nothing went right. Some people missed the wedding and my dad was the only one at the graduation ceremony. Everyone else arrived late. And then somehow it was my birthday and no one recognized it. At my graduation ceremony my dad and a professor sang happy birthday to me but really softly so no one heard. Then my husband took off with his family and I didn't see him for the rest of the day.
The next dream I don't remember the set up but my father had put together a video slideshow for some reason. It ended up being a play back of all the bad things that happened when I was younger. There were some good things (that never happened in real life) but mostly sad events (that really did happen).
I don't know what my mind is doing to me, but it makes for a bad start for a Sunday.
The first was of my wedding and graduation. In my dream they happened on the same day. Nothing went right. Some people missed the wedding and my dad was the only one at the graduation ceremony. Everyone else arrived late. And then somehow it was my birthday and no one recognized it. At my graduation ceremony my dad and a professor sang happy birthday to me but really softly so no one heard. Then my husband took off with his family and I didn't see him for the rest of the day.
The next dream I don't remember the set up but my father had put together a video slideshow for some reason. It ended up being a play back of all the bad things that happened when I was younger. There were some good things (that never happened in real life) but mostly sad events (that really did happen).
I don't know what my mind is doing to me, but it makes for a bad start for a Sunday.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My Very Own Diagnosis
Major Depressive Lethargia with Borderline tendencies, with uncomplicated generalized anxiety, and PTSD with night traumas with Exxonesis
Go to http://psychcentral.com/dom/ to find your own diagnosis!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Mind Over Matter
Sometimes I wonder, if I just start thinking I don't have BPD or Bipolar, will I stop having it? Isn't "mind over matter" supposed to be this great mantra to overcome obstacles. Why can't I just wish it away? It's weird. Sometimes I want to have this. It's something that makes me unique. Makes me special. But then something will happen. Or I'll do or say something stupid because I'm too impulsive and then it's like: screw you. I don't want you anymore.
So yes, I want to be special. Everybody does. But most of the time I just want to be normal.
So yes, I want to be special. Everybody does. But most of the time I just want to be normal.
TWLOHA
Even though I make the jokes myself. It's probably some kind of defense. If I joke about it you won't know how real it is for me.
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