Good News, Bad News

I've seen a couple of good news, bad news segments on various shows. I felt inspired!

The Good News: I was inspired by a comedian with cerebral palsy. His comedy may sometimes be at his own expense, but it spreads awareness about cerebral palsy. I feel inspired. I've always wanted to be some kind of speaker and lately I would love to spread awareness about psychiatric disorders.

The Bad News: I am not likely to be discovered soon for having a snazzy comedy routine based on my bipolar disorder.

The Good News: I am feeling much better. The depression seems to have passed.

The Bad News: I may be experiencing random bursts of hypomania. Oh wait, that's good news!

The Good News: The students I work with a getting to know me. They know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at anytime.

The Bad News: The students know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at any time.

The Good News: I created a nifty little newsletter for my students so I could communicated updates and news.

The Bad News: I will now be sending out a nifty newsletter every other week.

The Good News: I think I am beginning to discover who I am.

The Bad News: "I" includes about a dozen different personalities.

That concludes today's Good News, Bad News. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you chuckled. And I hope it brought a little lift to your day.

Loneliness on the Rise

Here is an article from Newsweek that describes an increase in loneliness. Considering my most recent blog posts, I thought it might be appropriate.
Because the last time I posted a link it didn't last long, here are some highlights:

Social isolation in all adults has been linked to a raft of physical and mental ailments, including sleep disorders, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of depression and suicide. How lonely you feel today actually predicts how well you'll sleep tonight and how depressed you'll feel a year from now, says John T. Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago and coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Studies have shown that loneliness can cause stress levels to rise and can weaken the immune system. Lonely people also tend to have less healthy lifestyles, drinking more alcohol, eating more fattening food, and exercising less than those who are not lonely.

And more:

Loneliness can be relative: it has been defined as an aversive emotional response to a perceived discrepancy between a person's desired levels of social interaction and the contact they're actually receiving. People tend to measure themselves against others, feeling particularly alone in communities where social connection is the norm.

And then there are some findings concerning facebook and other online social networking methods:

Social-networking sites like Facebook and MySpace may provide people with a false sense of connection that ultimately increases loneliness in people who feel alone. These sites should serve as a supplement, but not replacement for, face-to-face interaction, Cacioppo says. He compares connecting on a Web site to eating celery: "It feels good immediately, but it doesn't give you the same sustenance," he says. For people who feel satisfied and loved in their day-to-day life, social media can be a reassuring extension. For those who are already lonely, Facebook status updates are just a reminder of how much better everyone else is at making friends and having fun.

I can totally relate to this. When everything is fine and dandy, facebook is great. If I'm depressed or feeling lonely, then facebook makes me feel like a loser. I can even feel ignored on my email groups. But the lonelier I am the more I cling to facebook.

The article also mentions that while loneliness is not genetic, sensitivity to loneliness may be inherited.

So I guess I need to get off the internet and make some more friends!

Today

Today has been a good day. Daria didn't come out to play at all. Or not play as the case may be. I was only a little depressed once and that was only because of a song. Yeah, apparently music can really affect my mood. No surprise there.

Today was really busy. We had an all campus event today. I was on my feet from 9am-1pm enthusiastically passing out notebooks and visiting my students. So very tiring but fun. And then of course I still had work until 4:30.

Now I have discovered that since we don't have eggs I am cooking dinner. Explanation: My husband makes this really good chicken that requires eggs. Without the eggs, I make the better chicken.

So yeah, nothing exciting to report. Which for me is a good thing.

After dinner I may take a bubble bath and have a glass wine. Ooh...relaxation.

And Somewhere Amongst the Chaos

Hello!

Manic Ari has made an appearance today. Not that manic Ari is actually ever manic. (Although due to recent realizations about past diagnoses it may be possible). It is more likely that manic Ari is hypomanic. Never mind that the hypomania comes with grand delusions. Let manic Ari have her grand delusions, even if after the fact she realizes they are delusions. it doesn't make them go away. So there to my therapist who says i'm too self-aware to have issues.

But back to manic Ari. Lately it's only been depressed Ari. We'll call depressed Ari: Daria. So Daria has been making quite the waves. And Daria has been having increasing anxiety that makes her want to shoot herself in the head. Manic Ari also has anxiety but it's more like let's get up and dance. So Manic Ari, let's call her Mary. Mary and Daria have been switching back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, like a giant seesaw. Mary is out to play. I like Mary a lot better.

Hopeless

***Warning: Possible Trigger***

I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.

I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.

When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?

Nobody Knows

I feel so lonely lately.

As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I've been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I'm not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven't heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It's just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don't feel like I have a lot of support it's like, what's the point?

Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn't that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it's really, really hard.

We'll see...

FML

I feel like such a failure.

I don't like the job I went to school to do.

I just can't get this life thing right.

WTF Does That Mean!?

I have spent most of the day on the couch in moderate misery. Somehow that nausea I felt yesterday has become a full blown stomach attack. No vomitting, in case you all were wondering, but the nausea remains. And before anyone asks, no I am not pregnant.

But now to the real root of this post.

I got my records from my previous pdoc. I saw him from late 2007 to December 2008.

Here's the sentence:

Diagnosis:
Axis I:
(DSM) 296.80 or 296.7, depending on the day: Bipolar Affective Disorder
Basically either Bipolar Disorder Not-Otherwise-Specified or Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode unspecified.
*Please note that all this time I have thought that they were telling me I had Bipolar II Disorder.

Axis II: ? B Cluster (Nov. 2007)
B Cluster (Jan. 2008 - Jun. 2008)
In September the word "defer" follows the Axis II. So they don't ever define the BPD, just place in the cluster of personalities in which BPD exists.
*I knew there was no real certainty over whether or not I have BPD. Although having just the cluster B label does fit in with me thinking that I have symptoms both of BPD and HPD (Histrionic) though not always necessarily enough to have either diagnosis. I will be asking my current therapist what "defer" means.

Interesting stuff huh? Yeah, I don't think doctors expect their patients to have a home copy of the DSM. I'm gonna take my records to my therapist and ask her to translate for me.

The interesting thing is that the pdoc's notes describe a fairly stable girl. I remember things being much more distressing, until I met my hubby anyway.

So all this really kind of reinforces the idea that I really shouldn't worry about labels. They don't describe me.

Of course, despite the stomach attack I'm in a fairly good mood. Who knows what I'll think about labels tomorrow.

Debbie Downer

Have you ever felt like you're such a downer that no one wants to talk to you?

I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.

The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.

Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.

Paradox

Please note that I am not referring to a pair of ducks.

It's amazing how one can be okay and totally not okay at the same time. I felt like absolute shit this morning, woke up late, had to throw together some makeshift lunch, and then dropped a peach slice on my keyboard. Now dropping a peach slice on a keyboard may not seem like a big deal. However, this was a canned peach slice with lots of sugary sweetness to possibly make my keyboard. And when one has a very small sliver of brain left, dropping a sugary peach slice can be quite the last straw. It was not as I have retained my personality and (though admittedly barely there) functionality.

I still feel like shit. But I can kind of function. Today is a low key day. Just a few meetings. I do have to stay after hours but that doesn't seem so catastrophic at the moment.

How can one be depressed but able to laugh at the same time. I do not understand this paradox.

This is how I feel

A Most Unfortunate Friend

Depression is a rather unfortunate friend to have. It's the kind of friend that doesn't know how to leave you alone. He visits at the most inopportune times. He makes other relationships difficult to maintain. He lures to laziness so that chores remain undone. And this dysfunctional relationship makes going--and staying--to work quite difficult. He's the kind of friend you wish would go away but you don't know how to make him leave.

And yet this unwelcome visitor is a friend. I know him quite intimately. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets. And we've known each other for quite a long time.

Perhaps the most irritating part of this friendship is that sometimes he'll leave me alone. I can go a whole day without seeing him. I'll think he's gone to terrorize another. But then I wake up the next morning, and there he is. Turns out he never left, I was just able to ignore him for the day.

I wish his current visit would come to an end. That and his cousin fatigue, who has been here quite a while. I could also do without his sister anxiety. The three of them are having quite a time with me, and I'd really just like them to leave me alone.

Arduous Reality

It is a long and arduous journey.

I don't even know if I used that word correctly.

The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.

If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.

All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.

Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.

I will have more in a few days.

Frankly, My Dear...

I'm losing my mind.

I'm sitting at work and can't get anything done. I have 5 hours left of this horror. I was supposed to get out this afternoon and greet freshmen and pass out flyers, which would have been a nice distraction, but the graduate students finished that. Now I have nothing to do for the next five hours but sit and stare at my computer screen wrecking myself for my ineptitude. Should I ask to go home. I don't want to do that because then I have given in.

Frankly, my dear, this sucks!

Avalanche

I am utterly overwhelmed.

Typically, I am the type of gal who can juggle several things at once. Enjoys it even. But there are too many balls in the air and some of them are invisible. There is too much input and not enough space for output.

I have reached the point of overwhelming input such that my brain has stopped. I cannot think. It is a struggle to even do the simplest task. I can barely manage to get myself presentable every morning, let alone work to my fullest capacity. My brain has stopped. It is sad that every day I lose more and more of my skills. Interestlingly enough it seems to coincide quite nicely with the fact that everyday I lose more and more of my mind. By mind I mean sanity.

I have just gotten back from lunch. Before lunch, i spent an hour doing useless internet surfing. I'm sure there is plenty for me to do. I need to create some kind of list, or plan, to get my life together at work. My desk is constantly a mess with projects I need to follow up on and tasks I need to complete. But I can't do it. I can't find the energy or motivation. I can't put the knowledge of needing to do something to action. My mind and body are at a slight disconnect. How am I to get anything done? I've worked all morning and now I've run out of steam.

I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. How will I focus? How will I come across as intelligent? How--quite plainly--will I function?

They are doing work in the staff room, which is right next to my office. So all week has been pounding and drilling. This morning was filled with nonstop drilling and sawing. It has since stopped but my senses are still overwhelmed.

Seems to be a theme.

Everyday I wonder if I should really be working full-time. But I don't really have a choice.

Does It Ever Get Better

I'm really trying very hard to be happy and peppy today. But a sudden melancholy has washed over me. But I won't give in. I have 3 1/2 more hours of work.

I just don't know what it's gonna take. Faking it doesn't do me any good but I just don't see any other option. Enjoy the moments of cheerfulness when they come and fake my way through the melancholy that seems to be a constant these days.

I've got to do something. My depression and other issues are wrecking havoc on my marriage.

Confused Much?

The new therapist says I don't have bpd. I'm too self-aware to have a personality disorder. But she can't say whether or not i have borderline traits.

I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.

I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.

I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.

But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.

I just don't know!

This makes me so sad

Everytime I hear we've moved one step forward, I find out we've taken two giant leaps back...

The Beast

***THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING***

Depression is a horrible, terrifying beast. With snarling sharp teeth and viscious claws, it plays with me as if I were a toy at the mercy of cruel cat. The thing about my depression is that it mercilessly plays with me. I can be fine for an hour, a day, sometimes longer, and then bam! I'm back in its relentless clutches.

In those moments--far to brief--when I have gotten away from the monster, I can think of all the things to get rid of it. I'm quite resourceful when my mind is clear. I have all these plans to escape the clutches of my personal demon. Plans that have a chance of success.

But when those jaws snap shut again all that will-power falls by the wayside. How can I can implement "mind over matter" when the matter has a death grip on my heart. One wrong mood and rip! no more heart, no more soul, no more anything really.

The beast won't let me go until it gets bored and let's me loose for a while. So that even when I'm free, I can feel it's constant presence on my shoulders. It lurks with evil, sadistic eyes and laughs to itself.

"You haven't escaped me yet, little girl. Don't get too cocky."

Even my Knight in Shining Armor cannot slay the beast. No family or friend can keep me free of its claws for long.

Will I ever slay this demon?

Bicurious Nature

This post is exactly what it sounds like, a little peek into Ari's bicurious tendencies.

The hubby has gotten me into RAW wrestling. My favorite match is always the divas. Two reasons: I love watching women kick ass. And, some of the divas are freakin hot! My favorites are Kelly Kelly and new-to-RAW Gail Kim. Gail Kim is so cute and she's freakin awesome! Marise is pretty but she's got a bad attitude. And Mickey James is cute too. Like I said, my favorite match of the night. Wish there were more Diva matches. I do like John Cena though!

Although the current guest makes me want to not watch this anymore. The guest host totally brought down Canada and pumped up U.S. way too much. Way to incite an international fanwar. I know they do it for ratings, but do you really have to insult another country to do it? So lame.

Okay, this has turned into a RAW rant instead of what the original intention was. But the point is I've been thinking of a college crush recently. I wonder what she's up to...

Down We Go

I am going through the motions this morning under the finding that my mood has plummeted. What was so good this weekend is now completely gone. I don't even want to be at work right now.

My exercise video was really difficult this morning. I couldn't keep up with the tempo and wanted to quit at every section (but I didn't). Partly it's that I'm so sore and partly it's that I'm so tired.

I don't know what brought this on. It could have been the episode of SVU last night. It could have been the many mini-arguments with the hubby last night. It could be punishment for the 2 1/2 glasses of Sangria. All I know is I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. For absolutley no reason. And for some reason, I can't muster the energy to look forward to my therapy appointment today.

Tomorrow's Appointment

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow.

I don't know I'm going to talk about. So much has gone though my mind this past week. The past. The future. The present. The fantasy world I lived in for so long. The range of personalities I seem to have. The extreme mood swings. I even made an impulsive buy today. Somehow convinced myself I would start painting. We'll see, it may yet happen. And now I just watched a very violent rape attempt on Law & Order: SVU and that has proven to be a bit much for me. So I off I go to recover.

Productivity

I've had a really productive day.

I did at least three rounds of dishes. Two loads of laundry. Rearranged my dresser. Organized my jewelry. Cleaned the litter box twice. Swept the cats bathroom twice, swiffered it once. Took the recycling to the recycling center. All the while dancing and singing along with my ipod. For some reason I don't really want to be touched or bothered.

All though my imaginary world has returned again. It actually made the chores fun.

And to think, this morning I didn't even want to get out of bed after the hubby got mad at me about something. After that Flirty Girl work out I'm golden. Although I would like to get sleepy so I can go to bed. I made myself some chamomile tea so hopefully that will calm me down. I just have to wait for it to get cool enough to drink.

Work to Happy

My mood is in one of those limbo states again.

I tried out my Flirty Girl fitness video finally. Wow! This video kicked my ass. Definitely gonna have to use the inhaler before I begin the video. It was great though for several reasons: 1) it really works up a sweat, 2) I can feel my muscles working out 3) I love dancing so it's fun, 4) I do it in the privacy of my own home before my hubby wakes up so I don't get embarrassed, 5) the woman in the video is constantly telling me how good I look...lol!

I think I'll actually be able to do this (vs. the gym) because it's actually fun. And there's no time to get bored. I love it!

It had my mood up for quite sometime after the workout. I got dishes done and am doing laundry. Now...my mood's still up but not quite as energetic. Is this a normal mood? I don't know if I like it...

Art Show

So I spent a couple hours drawing and coloring. It got some of the blahness out of me.


The drawing was really more for the vase than for the flower. But I found a flower I like, though I didn't do it justice.


I have a real fascination for shoes used in art. Thought I'd try my hand at it.

So, by no means do I have any artistic ability, but I thought I'd share my Friday entertainment.

Madness

So I made it through the retreat in one piece and one mind...sorta. I made the two days without any kind of breakdown. Although today I have run quite the gamut of emotions. I've teetered on the edge of dissociation, depression, and I think I managed to sneak some hypomania in there too. Now I don't know what I feel. I'm all jumbled up in the head. I've thought today about identifying as someone with an invisible disability (which happens to be a target group on the scale of oppression, we played The Game Of Oppression this morning), thinking of how my bipolar and bpd affect me, denying I have bipolar and bpd, and ultimately deciding that if I don't think about it then it won't bother me. (Although it didn't keep me from reading my email groups and blogs).

I'm pretty convinced right now that if I just stop thinking and trying so hard, and can become one with my madness and not have to suffer all this heartache of acting normal and trying to be understood. Right now, at this very moment, sitting right here on this couch, I just want to let the madness take me away. But I won't, because that would be irresponsible. I wish I could just be damned irresponsible and not worry about anything at all. I want to take a blade up and down my arms without worrying about the consequences. I want to get absolutely drunk and hit the (nonexistent) nightlife. I want to dance all night. I want to stare off into space and have a conversation with the wall. I want to do all the things I did when everything was safe in my own mind. When my imagination was enough to make the real world drop away. But instead I'll just sit here on my couch and not worry my hubby.

I do think I'll go grab another pomegranite martini. delicious!

Past and Immediate Future

I had a bad dream last night that I got into an argument with my younger sister. She did something to really piss me off and I told her I was done with her. I woke up with a headache (again) and a little disoriented. I hate waking up from dreams like that, i never feel quite right.

This is the 2nd or 3rd dream I've had where me and my sister get really into it. I love my sister to death, and don't know why I'm dreaming these things. I got a voicemail from her yesterday, which may have prompted the dream. I'm also wondering if this is residual from past feelings. Having two intake appointments one right after the other has brought up a lot of things from the past. One of those things is my frustration (I can't think of the actual word I want to use) over her seemingly favored position in the family. These dreams may be a way for me to express these feelings in ways I never could in real life. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring it up in my next therapy appointment.

I'm headed out...well, I'm late...to a work retreat. It's an overnight and I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope I'm able to keep it together. I don't know how the stress of constantly being "on" and the sadness I always get when I'm away from my husband will affect my experience.

Wish me well!

The Horizon

I saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. A lot better than the pdoc. I know now that I had unrealistic expectations and I was frustrated that I couldn't advocate for myself.

The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.

I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.

So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.

Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.

---

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now.

My pdoc appointment was...okay I guess. I didn't get any relief out of it. Oh well, at least I got my meds.

I'm supposed to have a therapist appointment tomorrow. If she takes my insurance. The receptionist didn't call me back so I'm assuming all is well.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have work, then a dinner, then the appointment, then a DBSA meeting. I guess that's good. I seem to get depressed when I come home. Probably because I finally turn off and it all comes crashing down. I don't know what to do about that.

One of the blogs I read had an entry. She has a daughter who will be arriving to school next week at the college that I work. It was really weird to read that. It was like a connection. And I thought about telling the author this but then I thought, what if it's not appreciated. What if it's like her virtual world invading her real world? That's kind of how I felt when I read the post. So I'll stay silent.


I'm just really, really down right now.

19 Fears

Got tagged in this one on facebook. Thought I'd put it here.

YOUR FEARS...
If you get more than 30, get some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 11-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are full of crap.
Tag 10 of your friends and find out whether or not they suffer paranoia.

IF I TAGGED YOU, YOU BETTER DO IT.
I fear ...
[ ] black people
[x] the dark
[x] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[x] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[x] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 5

[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[X] deep deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[x] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
Total so far: 8

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[x] being robbed/mugged
[ ] falling
[X] clowns
[x] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors
[x] tornadoes
Total so far: 13

[x] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[x] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[x] scary movies
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[X] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up, old
Total so far: 17

[x] creepy noises in the night
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[X] needles
[ ] blood

Grand Total: 19 (ha! just made normal)

Now re-post with:
“I'm afraid of _ out of 62 common fears"

Drifting

Well, I've reached Day 2 without the mass panic that was my life this week. Even had a coffee and Dr. Pepper today (thank god cuz caffeine headaches are horrible!). Although today the (not-quite-fullblown) depression kicked back in. It's almost apathy. I went to the zoo with my visitors while the hubby was at work. That was nice. Now I'm just kinda drifting.

I'm counting the minutes til my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

Tenuous

Today has been much better. Aside from a brief moment of depression I've been pretty even keel. It might have helped that I got like 10 hours of sleep last night. Even though I feel better, I still have this fear that the feeling will come back. I guess breakdowns can be traumatic in and of themselves.