Loneliness on the Rise

Here is an article from Newsweek that describes an increase in loneliness. Considering my most recent blog posts, I thought it might be appropriate.
Because the last time I posted a link it didn't last long, here are some highlights:

Social isolation in all adults has been linked to a raft of physical and mental ailments, including sleep disorders, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of depression and suicide. How lonely you feel today actually predicts how well you'll sleep tonight and how depressed you'll feel a year from now, says John T. Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago and coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Studies have shown that loneliness can cause stress levels to rise and can weaken the immune system. Lonely people also tend to have less healthy lifestyles, drinking more alcohol, eating more fattening food, and exercising less than those who are not lonely.

And more:

Loneliness can be relative: it has been defined as an aversive emotional response to a perceived discrepancy between a person's desired levels of social interaction and the contact they're actually receiving. People tend to measure themselves against others, feeling particularly alone in communities where social connection is the norm.

And then there are some findings concerning facebook and other online social networking methods:

Social-networking sites like Facebook and MySpace may provide people with a false sense of connection that ultimately increases loneliness in people who feel alone. These sites should serve as a supplement, but not replacement for, face-to-face interaction, Cacioppo says. He compares connecting on a Web site to eating celery: "It feels good immediately, but it doesn't give you the same sustenance," he says. For people who feel satisfied and loved in their day-to-day life, social media can be a reassuring extension. For those who are already lonely, Facebook status updates are just a reminder of how much better everyone else is at making friends and having fun.

I can totally relate to this. When everything is fine and dandy, facebook is great. If I'm depressed or feeling lonely, then facebook makes me feel like a loser. I can even feel ignored on my email groups. But the lonelier I am the more I cling to facebook.

The article also mentions that while loneliness is not genetic, sensitivity to loneliness may be inherited.

So I guess I need to get off the internet and make some more friends!

Today

Today has been a good day. Daria didn't come out to play at all. Or not play as the case may be. I was only a little depressed once and that was only because of a song. Yeah, apparently music can really affect my mood. No surprise there.

Today was really busy. We had an all campus event today. I was on my feet from 9am-1pm enthusiastically passing out notebooks and visiting my students. So very tiring but fun. And then of course I still had work until 4:30.

Now I have discovered that since we don't have eggs I am cooking dinner. Explanation: My husband makes this really good chicken that requires eggs. Without the eggs, I make the better chicken.

So yeah, nothing exciting to report. Which for me is a good thing.

After dinner I may take a bubble bath and have a glass wine. Ooh...relaxation.

And Somewhere Amongst the Chaos

Hello!

Manic Ari has made an appearance today. Not that manic Ari is actually ever manic. (Although due to recent realizations about past diagnoses it may be possible). It is more likely that manic Ari is hypomanic. Never mind that the hypomania comes with grand delusions. Let manic Ari have her grand delusions, even if after the fact she realizes they are delusions. it doesn't make them go away. So there to my therapist who says i'm too self-aware to have issues.

But back to manic Ari. Lately it's only been depressed Ari. We'll call depressed Ari: Daria. So Daria has been making quite the waves. And Daria has been having increasing anxiety that makes her want to shoot herself in the head. Manic Ari also has anxiety but it's more like let's get up and dance. So Manic Ari, let's call her Mary. Mary and Daria have been switching back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, like a giant seesaw. Mary is out to play. I like Mary a lot better.

Hopeless

***Warning: Possible Trigger***

I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.

I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.

When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?

Nobody Knows

I feel so lonely lately.

As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I've been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I'm not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven't heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It's just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don't feel like I have a lot of support it's like, what's the point?

Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn't that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it's really, really hard.

We'll see...

FML

I feel like such a failure.

I don't like the job I went to school to do.

I just can't get this life thing right.

Debbie Downer

Have you ever felt like you're such a downer that no one wants to talk to you?

I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.

The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.

Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.

Paradox

Please note that I am not referring to a pair of ducks.

It's amazing how one can be okay and totally not okay at the same time. I felt like absolute shit this morning, woke up late, had to throw together some makeshift lunch, and then dropped a peach slice on my keyboard. Now dropping a peach slice on a keyboard may not seem like a big deal. However, this was a canned peach slice with lots of sugary sweetness to possibly make my keyboard. And when one has a very small sliver of brain left, dropping a sugary peach slice can be quite the last straw. It was not as I have retained my personality and (though admittedly barely there) functionality.

I still feel like shit. But I can kind of function. Today is a low key day. Just a few meetings. I do have to stay after hours but that doesn't seem so catastrophic at the moment.

How can one be depressed but able to laugh at the same time. I do not understand this paradox.

A Most Unfortunate Friend

Depression is a rather unfortunate friend to have. It's the kind of friend that doesn't know how to leave you alone. He visits at the most inopportune times. He makes other relationships difficult to maintain. He lures to laziness so that chores remain undone. And this dysfunctional relationship makes going--and staying--to work quite difficult. He's the kind of friend you wish would go away but you don't know how to make him leave.

And yet this unwelcome visitor is a friend. I know him quite intimately. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets. And we've known each other for quite a long time.

Perhaps the most irritating part of this friendship is that sometimes he'll leave me alone. I can go a whole day without seeing him. I'll think he's gone to terrorize another. But then I wake up the next morning, and there he is. Turns out he never left, I was just able to ignore him for the day.

I wish his current visit would come to an end. That and his cousin fatigue, who has been here quite a while. I could also do without his sister anxiety. The three of them are having quite a time with me, and I'd really just like them to leave me alone.

Arduous Reality

It is a long and arduous journey.

I don't even know if I used that word correctly.

The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.

If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.

All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.

Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.

I will have more in a few days.

Avalanche

I am utterly overwhelmed.

Typically, I am the type of gal who can juggle several things at once. Enjoys it even. But there are too many balls in the air and some of them are invisible. There is too much input and not enough space for output.

I have reached the point of overwhelming input such that my brain has stopped. I cannot think. It is a struggle to even do the simplest task. I can barely manage to get myself presentable every morning, let alone work to my fullest capacity. My brain has stopped. It is sad that every day I lose more and more of my skills. Interestlingly enough it seems to coincide quite nicely with the fact that everyday I lose more and more of my mind. By mind I mean sanity.

I have just gotten back from lunch. Before lunch, i spent an hour doing useless internet surfing. I'm sure there is plenty for me to do. I need to create some kind of list, or plan, to get my life together at work. My desk is constantly a mess with projects I need to follow up on and tasks I need to complete. But I can't do it. I can't find the energy or motivation. I can't put the knowledge of needing to do something to action. My mind and body are at a slight disconnect. How am I to get anything done? I've worked all morning and now I've run out of steam.

I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. How will I focus? How will I come across as intelligent? How--quite plainly--will I function?

They are doing work in the staff room, which is right next to my office. So all week has been pounding and drilling. This morning was filled with nonstop drilling and sawing. It has since stopped but my senses are still overwhelmed.

Seems to be a theme.

Everyday I wonder if I should really be working full-time. But I don't really have a choice.

The Beast

***THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING***

Depression is a horrible, terrifying beast. With snarling sharp teeth and viscious claws, it plays with me as if I were a toy at the mercy of cruel cat. The thing about my depression is that it mercilessly plays with me. I can be fine for an hour, a day, sometimes longer, and then bam! I'm back in its relentless clutches.

In those moments--far to brief--when I have gotten away from the monster, I can think of all the things to get rid of it. I'm quite resourceful when my mind is clear. I have all these plans to escape the clutches of my personal demon. Plans that have a chance of success.

But when those jaws snap shut again all that will-power falls by the wayside. How can I can implement "mind over matter" when the matter has a death grip on my heart. One wrong mood and rip! no more heart, no more soul, no more anything really.

The beast won't let me go until it gets bored and let's me loose for a while. So that even when I'm free, I can feel it's constant presence on my shoulders. It lurks with evil, sadistic eyes and laughs to itself.

"You haven't escaped me yet, little girl. Don't get too cocky."

Even my Knight in Shining Armor cannot slay the beast. No family or friend can keep me free of its claws for long.

Will I ever slay this demon?

Down We Go

I am going through the motions this morning under the finding that my mood has plummeted. What was so good this weekend is now completely gone. I don't even want to be at work right now.

My exercise video was really difficult this morning. I couldn't keep up with the tempo and wanted to quit at every section (but I didn't). Partly it's that I'm so sore and partly it's that I'm so tired.

I don't know what brought this on. It could have been the episode of SVU last night. It could have been the many mini-arguments with the hubby last night. It could be punishment for the 2 1/2 glasses of Sangria. All I know is I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. For absolutley no reason. And for some reason, I can't muster the energy to look forward to my therapy appointment today.

---

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now.

My pdoc appointment was...okay I guess. I didn't get any relief out of it. Oh well, at least I got my meds.

I'm supposed to have a therapist appointment tomorrow. If she takes my insurance. The receptionist didn't call me back so I'm assuming all is well.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have work, then a dinner, then the appointment, then a DBSA meeting. I guess that's good. I seem to get depressed when I come home. Probably because I finally turn off and it all comes crashing down. I don't know what to do about that.

One of the blogs I read had an entry. She has a daughter who will be arriving to school next week at the college that I work. It was really weird to read that. It was like a connection. And I thought about telling the author this but then I thought, what if it's not appreciated. What if it's like her virtual world invading her real world? That's kind of how I felt when I read the post. So I'll stay silent.


I'm just really, really down right now.

Drifting

Well, I've reached Day 2 without the mass panic that was my life this week. Even had a coffee and Dr. Pepper today (thank god cuz caffeine headaches are horrible!). Although today the (not-quite-fullblown) depression kicked back in. It's almost apathy. I went to the zoo with my visitors while the hubby was at work. That was nice. Now I'm just kinda drifting.

I'm counting the minutes til my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

Tenuous

Today has been much better. Aside from a brief moment of depression I've been pretty even keel. It might have helped that I got like 10 hours of sleep last night. Even though I feel better, I still have this fear that the feeling will come back. I guess breakdowns can be traumatic in and of themselves.

The Tipping Point

I have reached that critical point called crisis.

I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.

I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy

And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...

On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?

For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.

+ or -?

I had to take this strengths test for work. You take this test and then it tells you your five highest strengths, in order from highest to lowest. I'm not complaining about the test, as confusing as it was, cuz I love these kinds of things. Tell me about some kind of new personality test and I'll probably be first in line to try it out.

What struck was that my fifth strength was positivity. As in optimism. At first I was like, whoa! how'd that sneak in there? And then I realized it was right. When I'm not battling depression, I'm actually pretty positive and carefree. I make jokes and keep people laughing and normally my glass is half full. It's just that when the depression kicks in I become a totally different person.

It's kind of a kick in the butt to realize that. It makes me hate the depression even more.

Sigh

That demon depression has once again sneaked in to end the day. I wasn't doing so well this morning. Then the work day was so busy that I really didn't have anytime to just sit. Which means my thoughts didn't have an opportunity to slip down as they have done lately. So I get off work in a great mood and think, yes! finally! But alas it was not meant to be. I did some cleaning in the office since my mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming to visit tomorrow and staying until Saturday. While I was cleaning I got really irritable. Now I've been sitting and as I sit the depression sinks in a little deeper. I wish I had more words to describe what I feel. Depression is so general.

*Description follows, may trigger*
There's this unreasonable sadness, just a touch, but there's no reason for it to be there. Then there is the tiredness. Like, not just sleepy but tired of life. And then I don't want to do anything. And this sense of unease that sits right underneath my skin. It's a very yucky feeling and I can't wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday.

I just feel like I'm losing it lately. I don't know if it's all the transitions that have recently occurred in my life but I do know I want these feelings to stop.

Happy Daze

I saw this picture on a blog I read that shows that funny old lady talking about having everything she needs to have a good day. The blog post is titled "I Wish Having a Good Day Was That Easy". Wow how that one struck a cord!

I really try to practice the mind over matter crap. Of course it never really works. Fake it til you make it. Well my mind just isn't together enough to fake it for very long. But I try. I think: Wow I am so happy and today is a great day and I have so much good in my life I should be happy. Of course by the end of the day the melancholy and cynicism sinks back with the added bonus of being tired from trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I wonder if it's possible to have both Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I try to think of the possibility and my mind explodes because it just doesn't make any sense.

Despite the possiblity of co-occurring disorders or maladjusted personality traits, the fact remains that it is simply not that easy to have a good day. I cannot think my feelings into being. It's just plain exhausting.