Hopeless

***Warning: Possible Trigger***

I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.

I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.

When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?