I have spent most of the day on the couch in moderate misery. Somehow that nausea I felt yesterday has become a full blown stomach attack. No vomitting, in case you all were wondering, but the nausea remains. And before anyone asks, no I am not pregnant.
But now to the real root of this post.
I got my records from my previous pdoc. I saw him from late 2007 to December 2008.
Here's the sentence:
Diagnosis:
Axis I:
(DSM) 296.80 or 296.7, depending on the day: Bipolar Affective Disorder
Basically either Bipolar Disorder Not-Otherwise-Specified or Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode unspecified.
*Please note that all this time I have thought that they were telling me I had Bipolar II Disorder.
Axis II: ? B Cluster (Nov. 2007)
B Cluster (Jan. 2008 - Jun. 2008)
In September the word "defer" follows the Axis II. So they don't ever define the BPD, just place in the cluster of personalities in which BPD exists.
*I knew there was no real certainty over whether or not I have BPD. Although having just the cluster B label does fit in with me thinking that I have symptoms both of BPD and HPD (Histrionic) though not always necessarily enough to have either diagnosis. I will be asking my current therapist what "defer" means.
Interesting stuff huh? Yeah, I don't think doctors expect their patients to have a home copy of the DSM. I'm gonna take my records to my therapist and ask her to translate for me.
The interesting thing is that the pdoc's notes describe a fairly stable girl. I remember things being much more distressing, until I met my hubby anyway.
So all this really kind of reinforces the idea that I really shouldn't worry about labels. They don't describe me.
Of course, despite the stomach attack I'm in a fairly good mood. Who knows what I'll think about labels tomorrow.
Showing posts with label borderline personality disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label borderline personality disorder. Show all posts
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Confused Much?
The new therapist says I don't have bpd. I'm too self-aware to have a personality disorder. But she can't say whether or not i have borderline traits.
I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.
I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.
I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.
But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.
I just don't know!
I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.
I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.
I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.
But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.
I just don't know!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Madness
So I made it through the retreat in one piece and one mind...sorta. I made the two days without any kind of breakdown. Although today I have run quite the gamut of emotions. I've teetered on the edge of dissociation, depression, and I think I managed to sneak some hypomania in there too. Now I don't know what I feel. I'm all jumbled up in the head. I've thought today about identifying as someone with an invisible disability (which happens to be a target group on the scale of oppression, we played The Game Of Oppression this morning), thinking of how my bipolar and bpd affect me, denying I have bipolar and bpd, and ultimately deciding that if I don't think about it then it won't bother me. (Although it didn't keep me from reading my email groups and blogs).
I'm pretty convinced right now that if I just stop thinking and trying so hard, and can become one with my madness and not have to suffer all this heartache of acting normal and trying to be understood. Right now, at this very moment, sitting right here on this couch, I just want to let the madness take me away. But I won't, because that would be irresponsible. I wish I could just be damned irresponsible and not worry about anything at all. I want to take a blade up and down my arms without worrying about the consequences. I want to get absolutely drunk and hit the (nonexistent) nightlife. I want to dance all night. I want to stare off into space and have a conversation with the wall. I want to do all the things I did when everything was safe in my own mind. When my imagination was enough to make the real world drop away. But instead I'll just sit here on my couch and not worry my hubby.
I do think I'll go grab another pomegranite martini. delicious!
I'm pretty convinced right now that if I just stop thinking and trying so hard, and can become one with my madness and not have to suffer all this heartache of acting normal and trying to be understood. Right now, at this very moment, sitting right here on this couch, I just want to let the madness take me away. But I won't, because that would be irresponsible. I wish I could just be damned irresponsible and not worry about anything at all. I want to take a blade up and down my arms without worrying about the consequences. I want to get absolutely drunk and hit the (nonexistent) nightlife. I want to dance all night. I want to stare off into space and have a conversation with the wall. I want to do all the things I did when everything was safe in my own mind. When my imagination was enough to make the real world drop away. But instead I'll just sit here on my couch and not worry my hubby.
I do think I'll go grab another pomegranite martini. delicious!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Horizon
I saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. A lot better than the pdoc. I know now that I had unrealistic expectations and I was frustrated that I couldn't advocate for myself.
The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.
I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.
So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.
Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.
The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.
I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.
So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.
Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Proactivity
Well, I did some more looking out for me today. I told my supervisor about the bipolar (though I did very consciously leave out the bpd). She was actually very matter of fact about it and just said to keep her informed about what I need from her. And then I told her that with all I've been dealing with I thought I needed to leave work early (the anxiety/hypomania/mixed episode/whatever the hell is wrong with me was back this morning). She let me go after our meeting. I took the opportunity to have lunch with my mother-in-law and finally came out with it. She was really understanding and empathic about it. We were both brought close to tears multiple times. Then we went shopping together and she bought me some pants and a sign for the laundry room. It was a good time.
I was good for a while but the anxiety came back a little bit. I've been trying to stay away from caffeine today, which is hard because i'm addicted. So i had tea this morning and iced tea at lunch. caffeinated but not as bad as coffee and soda. But around 5 or 6 i finally gave in and had a dr. pepper because i had such a bad headache. After that and advil didn't work i ran to the store for some excedrin migraine. the headache is still slightly there but the nausea is gone. The headache sucks because with all this nervous energy i'd love to go to the gym. but with the headache and sometimes nausea (and/or acid reflux...too much?) it's really hard to think about working out. My head and stomach need rest but my nerves need activity. And then with being up one minute and down the next, my body just can't figure out what it needs. I am back to taking all my meds.
Eh, I guess I'm really just complaining. I just need to get through the weekend and make it to my pdoc appointment on Monday. Hmmm...methinks this blog might see a lot of action this weekend...
I was good for a while but the anxiety came back a little bit. I've been trying to stay away from caffeine today, which is hard because i'm addicted. So i had tea this morning and iced tea at lunch. caffeinated but not as bad as coffee and soda. But around 5 or 6 i finally gave in and had a dr. pepper because i had such a bad headache. After that and advil didn't work i ran to the store for some excedrin migraine. the headache is still slightly there but the nausea is gone. The headache sucks because with all this nervous energy i'd love to go to the gym. but with the headache and sometimes nausea (and/or acid reflux...too much?) it's really hard to think about working out. My head and stomach need rest but my nerves need activity. And then with being up one minute and down the next, my body just can't figure out what it needs. I am back to taking all my meds.
Eh, I guess I'm really just complaining. I just need to get through the weekend and make it to my pdoc appointment on Monday. Hmmm...methinks this blog might see a lot of action this weekend...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Tipping Point
I have reached that critical point called crisis.
I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.
I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy
And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...
On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?
For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.
I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.
I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy
And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...
On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?
For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Happy Daze
I saw this picture on a blog I read that shows that funny old lady talking about having everything she needs to have a good day. The blog post is titled "I Wish Having a Good Day Was That Easy". Wow how that one struck a cord!
I really try to practice the mind over matter crap. Of course it never really works. Fake it til you make it. Well my mind just isn't together enough to fake it for very long. But I try. I think: Wow I am so happy and today is a great day and I have so much good in my life I should be happy. Of course by the end of the day the melancholy and cynicism sinks back with the added bonus of being tired from trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I wonder if it's possible to have both Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I try to think of the possibility and my mind explodes because it just doesn't make any sense.
Despite the possiblity of co-occurring disorders or maladjusted personality traits, the fact remains that it is simply not that easy to have a good day. I cannot think my feelings into being. It's just plain exhausting.
I really try to practice the mind over matter crap. Of course it never really works. Fake it til you make it. Well my mind just isn't together enough to fake it for very long. But I try. I think: Wow I am so happy and today is a great day and I have so much good in my life I should be happy. Of course by the end of the day the melancholy and cynicism sinks back with the added bonus of being tired from trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I wonder if it's possible to have both Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I try to think of the possibility and my mind explodes because it just doesn't make any sense.
Despite the possiblity of co-occurring disorders or maladjusted personality traits, the fact remains that it is simply not that easy to have a good day. I cannot think my feelings into being. It's just plain exhausting.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
If this is to be meaningful...
Apparently, I like to talk about myself. And apparently I like to talk about myself in a public setting while remaining anonymous. Why might I think this? A) I write more on this blog than I ever have in a journal. B) I post more to this blog than I ever have on my other non-anonymous everyday life blog. In fact, that blog is quite neglected and I might just abandon it.
Now, having realized this revelation, it comes to my attention that if I truly wish this blog to aid me in my (non?)recovery, I should actually write something meaningful and document the things I do--even when they're bad.
So, two nights ago I was in a very very bad place. Even though I had finally found a psychiatrist I think the stress of the weekend and the absence of my husband sent me into the downward spiral to hell. (I'm sure some of you have been there. Maybe even bought a t-shirt?) So I was having a not good time. And did some stupid things. And finally took some Nyquil to put me to sleep so that I wouldn't do an even more stupid thing.
Yesterday, knowing that my husband was working the evening again, I asked my coworker to hang out. And my what a difference in mood. I felt so much better not being alone. By the time I got home I was only by myself for like an hour and a half--two hours tops. And Family Guy was on. Needless to say, I am in a much better place today. Perhaps now that I've crashed and burned (which was some weeks in coming anyway) I'll be better for the rest of this week.
Now if only I can get rid of this boredom. Yes it is 1:30pm. And yes I'm at work. And yes I will conintue to prowl the blog world after I'm done writing this post. I'm sure there's something I could do to be productive, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. I'm looking at my to do list and there's nothing that I need to do right now. Especially not when I only have three hours tomorrow filled with meetings and only an hour and a half on Friday.
Perhaps tomorrow I will have more to do. But for now, I shall prowl.
Now, having realized this revelation, it comes to my attention that if I truly wish this blog to aid me in my (non?)recovery, I should actually write something meaningful and document the things I do--even when they're bad.
So, two nights ago I was in a very very bad place. Even though I had finally found a psychiatrist I think the stress of the weekend and the absence of my husband sent me into the downward spiral to hell. (I'm sure some of you have been there. Maybe even bought a t-shirt?) So I was having a not good time. And did some stupid things. And finally took some Nyquil to put me to sleep so that I wouldn't do an even more stupid thing.
Yesterday, knowing that my husband was working the evening again, I asked my coworker to hang out. And my what a difference in mood. I felt so much better not being alone. By the time I got home I was only by myself for like an hour and a half--two hours tops. And Family Guy was on. Needless to say, I am in a much better place today. Perhaps now that I've crashed and burned (which was some weeks in coming anyway) I'll be better for the rest of this week.
Now if only I can get rid of this boredom. Yes it is 1:30pm. And yes I'm at work. And yes I will conintue to prowl the blog world after I'm done writing this post. I'm sure there's something I could do to be productive, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. I'm looking at my to do list and there's nothing that I need to do right now. Especially not when I only have three hours tomorrow filled with meetings and only an hour and a half on Friday.
Perhaps tomorrow I will have more to do. But for now, I shall prowl.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Just a Shell
So I have not yet fully recovered from the weekend meltdown. I'm not even sure I'm headed in the direction of recovery.
I hate how such little things can set off such a maelstorm and leave me so broken. I don't even know if I used maelstorm correctly or spelled it correctly but I can't really bring myself to care.
I just feel so empty right now. A shell of my former self. Well, not former self really. More like the self that appears in moments of true sanity. Because I think those moments that I think I'm still crazy I really am sane. Or at least it feels a hell of a lot saner than this.
I don't want to be at work right now. I can't concentrate. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure I can do this job. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Now I know why the cats sleep under the covers or under the bed. It's less vulnerable. I feel like an attack can come at any moment from any side.
I'm losing it but I have nowhere to run.
I hate how such little things can set off such a maelstorm and leave me so broken. I don't even know if I used maelstorm correctly or spelled it correctly but I can't really bring myself to care.
I just feel so empty right now. A shell of my former self. Well, not former self really. More like the self that appears in moments of true sanity. Because I think those moments that I think I'm still crazy I really am sane. Or at least it feels a hell of a lot saner than this.
I don't want to be at work right now. I can't concentrate. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure I can do this job. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Now I know why the cats sleep under the covers or under the bed. It's less vulnerable. I feel like an attack can come at any moment from any side.
I'm losing it but I have nowhere to run.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Just When You Think You Know It All
Okay, so I've never thought I know it all. I don't even think I know the majority of anything. But I was convinced that I could fake it til I make it. If I pretended that I was happier than I really was, I though my mind would follow suit. Maybe like a mind over matter thing. I thought it was working.
But apparently whatever wires are crossed wrong in my head are far more powerful than my imagination, which is saying a lot.
I pretty much live my life trying to be what others want me to be. I've learned how to say what other people want to here. I do that because 1) I can never put my own thoughts or feelings into words and 2) I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. So I be who others want me to be. Which can get quite exhausting when different people want different things.
One of the hardest things for me is figuring out if I am or if I'm not. Do I really have Borderline Personality Disorder? Do I really have Bipolar Disorder? It's really hard to accept since I'm so high-functioning and I get so many family members not accepting the diagnoses. And then I don't know what other people think or feel. Sometimes I wonder do I really have these serious problems or am I just being overdramatic, hypochondriatic, and lazy?
It's hard because I want people in my life to read up and do research on these disorders to better understand me. Especially my husband. But he doesn't understand how reading books is going to help him understand me. He wants me to tell him about me. But the problem is I can't always find the words and a lot of times I don't even know me so how can I tell someone else about me. My least favorite question is "Tell me about yourself".
Maybe I need to shift how I think about life. Maybe I should just pretend I don't have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Maybe my life would be easier that way.
But apparently whatever wires are crossed wrong in my head are far more powerful than my imagination, which is saying a lot.
I pretty much live my life trying to be what others want me to be. I've learned how to say what other people want to here. I do that because 1) I can never put my own thoughts or feelings into words and 2) I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. So I be who others want me to be. Which can get quite exhausting when different people want different things.
One of the hardest things for me is figuring out if I am or if I'm not. Do I really have Borderline Personality Disorder? Do I really have Bipolar Disorder? It's really hard to accept since I'm so high-functioning and I get so many family members not accepting the diagnoses. And then I don't know what other people think or feel. Sometimes I wonder do I really have these serious problems or am I just being overdramatic, hypochondriatic, and lazy?
It's hard because I want people in my life to read up and do research on these disorders to better understand me. Especially my husband. But he doesn't understand how reading books is going to help him understand me. He wants me to tell him about me. But the problem is I can't always find the words and a lot of times I don't even know me so how can I tell someone else about me. My least favorite question is "Tell me about yourself".
Maybe I need to shift how I think about life. Maybe I should just pretend I don't have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Maybe my life would be easier that way.
Friday, July 17, 2009
On A Roll
I went to the gym this afternoon for the second day in a row! That's huge!!! And I actually feel good today. Sure I had some moments that I felt really sad, but I was able to get through them. I guess mind over matter can work when I really want it to.
I think the problem with me up til now has been that I'm afraid to "get better". I've never really known who I am, and I've used the Borderline label to sort of anchor and define myself. If I get better, or I don't really have it (which I'm constantly afraid somebody's going to say to me) then I lose the only thing that has adequately described me. I mean if I get better, that means I fix my flawed personality. If that gets fixed, it changes, and then once again I have no idea who I am. I guess I'm never going to be "whole" until I can find out who I am underneath all the labels.
The other problem with me is that I crave attention. If I don't have attention then I feel absolutely worthless. So when no one replies to my emails, or comments on something I've posted, I get really, really depressed. To the point that I really began to wonder if I should even keep the blog. I've decided to keep it and focus more on what it does for me. If what I have to say reaches someone, or someone can relate to it or learn from it, that's an added bonus. But the real reason I blog needs to be from me. I need to stop seeking outside validation. If I can't validate myself, no validation from someone else is ever going to really help.
Now if only I could find a damn therapist and psychiatrist so I can share all these revelations and they could help me do something about them! I did buy some books on managing BPD. I have a whole collection of books on BPD and Bipolar Disorder but I also use them to reaffirm my identity as a helpless victim. Now I'm going to use them to take control.
On a lighter note I finally found a cheap wine that tastes good. Apparently cheap cabernet sauvignon tastes better than cheap pinot grigio. I already used one of my pricier wines for myself at a particularly low point. The other two I am saving for when we eventually have people over. It will happen someday... :)
I think the problem with me up til now has been that I'm afraid to "get better". I've never really known who I am, and I've used the Borderline label to sort of anchor and define myself. If I get better, or I don't really have it (which I'm constantly afraid somebody's going to say to me) then I lose the only thing that has adequately described me. I mean if I get better, that means I fix my flawed personality. If that gets fixed, it changes, and then once again I have no idea who I am. I guess I'm never going to be "whole" until I can find out who I am underneath all the labels.
The other problem with me is that I crave attention. If I don't have attention then I feel absolutely worthless. So when no one replies to my emails, or comments on something I've posted, I get really, really depressed. To the point that I really began to wonder if I should even keep the blog. I've decided to keep it and focus more on what it does for me. If what I have to say reaches someone, or someone can relate to it or learn from it, that's an added bonus. But the real reason I blog needs to be from me. I need to stop seeking outside validation. If I can't validate myself, no validation from someone else is ever going to really help.
Now if only I could find a damn therapist and psychiatrist so I can share all these revelations and they could help me do something about them! I did buy some books on managing BPD. I have a whole collection of books on BPD and Bipolar Disorder but I also use them to reaffirm my identity as a helpless victim. Now I'm going to use them to take control.
On a lighter note I finally found a cheap wine that tastes good. Apparently cheap cabernet sauvignon tastes better than cheap pinot grigio. I already used one of my pricier wines for myself at a particularly low point. The other two I am saving for when we eventually have people over. It will happen someday... :)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Myers-Briggs
So I'm a real personality test junkie. You name it, and if I haven't taken it I will. Even if I have taken it I might just take it again. So naturally when my supervisor mentioned Myers-Briggs I wanted to know what everyone was, though I didn't voice this wish. She then said she wasn't going to ask us our types because she didn't want to make any judgments. Now, I don't assume that if someone is a certain personality type they're going to fit into some neat little box. I just like to know what people are because it's fun. And I'll admit, I'm a naturally curious (read nosy) person. So I've been meaning to ask a particular coworker about her Myers-Briggs.
So how amusing was it for me to come across a post about BPD and Myers-Briggs types. After reading his thoughts I wondered about the connection between my own Myers-Briggs type and my experience with BPD.
I am an ENFP: the Champion. Which makes total sense with the work I do and completely describes me. (In fact, Myers-Briggs probably describes me better than any other personality type indicator, including zodiac). ENFP happens to be pretty rare, only 2-3%. And yes I'm quite proud of this because I like being a rare personality. It's the diva in me I guess.
It's interesting because even I think of BPD as being a more introverted disorder, if that makes any sense. But it stands to reason that BPD can affect various types of personality and that it would manifest itself in different ways.
E=Extrovert
It would make sense that one of the hardest things for me concerning BPD is that fear of abandonment and loneliness. Because I'm an extrovert, I absolutely need to be around people. If I am left alone for too long, I get depressed. And mind you too long could be only a few hours. No wonder I'm afraid of people leaving!
F=Feelings
The other BPD trait that I have the most trouble with is that "emotional lability", meaning I have really severe mood swings (which is complicated by the bipolar but I won't get into that. Also, saying "mood swings" really minimizes the severity of the symptom and how disabling it can be). Not only do I feel before I think, but I'm also very attuned (and this may be where the N=iNtuitive comes in) to other people's feelings. So, at any given time I'm an emotional hurricane. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm have a real me emotion, or just picking up on someone else's emotions. Either way it means that it's pretty difficult to rationalize feeling for me. That could also be my issue with DBT and Wise Mind. I can't get to Wise Mind because I can't rationalize my feelings.
The P=Perceiving, but I don't know enough about that aspect to really comment on it.
So there's a little bit about me and good old MB. Alright, so this post really gave me an excuse to talk about myself, which I love doing. Not in an arrogant, oh I'm so wonderful way; but more in that I'm pretty open and love to talk and I wish everyone was more open. Because I would be just as happy to talk to someone about themselves. Not in a judgmental way. Just cuz I love sharing.
Ok, so I might be a little hypomanic right now. Not sure if that's it, if it's the decrease in sleep, or if it's the coffee I had three hours ago...
So how amusing was it for me to come across a post about BPD and Myers-Briggs types. After reading his thoughts I wondered about the connection between my own Myers-Briggs type and my experience with BPD.
I am an ENFP: the Champion. Which makes total sense with the work I do and completely describes me. (In fact, Myers-Briggs probably describes me better than any other personality type indicator, including zodiac). ENFP happens to be pretty rare, only 2-3%. And yes I'm quite proud of this because I like being a rare personality. It's the diva in me I guess.
It's interesting because even I think of BPD as being a more introverted disorder, if that makes any sense. But it stands to reason that BPD can affect various types of personality and that it would manifest itself in different ways.
E=Extrovert
It would make sense that one of the hardest things for me concerning BPD is that fear of abandonment and loneliness. Because I'm an extrovert, I absolutely need to be around people. If I am left alone for too long, I get depressed. And mind you too long could be only a few hours. No wonder I'm afraid of people leaving!
F=Feelings
The other BPD trait that I have the most trouble with is that "emotional lability", meaning I have really severe mood swings (which is complicated by the bipolar but I won't get into that. Also, saying "mood swings" really minimizes the severity of the symptom and how disabling it can be). Not only do I feel before I think, but I'm also very attuned (and this may be where the N=iNtuitive comes in) to other people's feelings. So, at any given time I'm an emotional hurricane. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm have a real me emotion, or just picking up on someone else's emotions. Either way it means that it's pretty difficult to rationalize feeling for me. That could also be my issue with DBT and Wise Mind. I can't get to Wise Mind because I can't rationalize my feelings.
The P=Perceiving, but I don't know enough about that aspect to really comment on it.
So there's a little bit about me and good old MB. Alright, so this post really gave me an excuse to talk about myself, which I love doing. Not in an arrogant, oh I'm so wonderful way; but more in that I'm pretty open and love to talk and I wish everyone was more open. Because I would be just as happy to talk to someone about themselves. Not in a judgmental way. Just cuz I love sharing.
Ok, so I might be a little hypomanic right now. Not sure if that's it, if it's the decrease in sleep, or if it's the coffee I had three hours ago...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Godmother of BPD
Apparently Time Magazine did an article on BPD back in January. Here's the address:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491-1,00.html
The article itself doesn't bother. The contents don't either, except its focus on Marsha Linehan, like the Godmother of BPD treatment. My feelings toward Marsha have been quite ambivalent. Her treatment plan--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT--always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I went through a couple weeks of it and found it so boring and frustrating that the group leader graduated me from the program. I don't know how I graduated without learning any of the skills, but I just told the doctor I didn't need it. (It perhaps might help if it wasn't that hospital's practice to throw everyone in DBT. Most of the people there were in the class for depression and anxiety, not BPD). In any case, I didn't learn anything from the program and left with quite hostile feelings toward it. Plenty of others with BPD have talked about how wonderful DBT is. Maybe I'm just unconsciously resistant to it. All I know is I didn't like it.
So, considering my feelings toward DBT, it's not hard to believe that I don't usually take much stock in anything Marsha has to say. But this article focused so much on her and her therapy style. And you know what? I think I might like her. It just made me so sad, and a little nostalgic, to hear how she interacts with her patients. I would love to have a therapist like that! She's so funny and witty. She uses sarcasm like a good tool. Seeing as I grew up in a very sarcastic family, I always think highly of those who can use it well. It also reminded me of my first therapist, the one who diagnosed me. He really was a sweet guy and if I'm to be totally honest I probably had a slight crush on him. (Even now whenever I see the psychiatrist on Law and Order SVU I smile because he reminds me of him.) But he really did try to understand me and figure out what worked best for me. Yeah there were times that I got angry at him and he did make a mistep, but everybody makes mistakes. I just wish he hadn't been so quick to get rid of me. As soon as I started getting better he was like, I don't think you need therapy anymore. And of course I agreed because it was the first time in my life I felt stable and who am I to argue with the doctor?
Unfortunately it seems to be the case often with me. As soon as things start to go uphill, people think I don't need them anymore and they take off. It makes things really confusing cuz I'm like: do I have to be in a crisis for people to care about me? My husband says it's because I'm not overdramatic so people aren't pressured to pay as much attention. Whatever the case my therapist kicked me out of therapy when I should probably be in it for the long haul. But then that's the problem with HMOs. Always looking for the quick fix and not wanting to deal with any patient who needs long term treatment.
But back to my original point, I really like the person Time painted Marsha Linehan to be. I'd love to have her as my therapist. Unfortunately google search hasn't shown any therapist with BPD experience in the area, let alone the Godmother. So I guess I'll have to sit and wonder until my new insurance kicks in and I can find a therapist.
I think it's funny that I'll be looking for a therapist before I look for a Primary Care Physician.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491-1,00.html
The article itself doesn't bother. The contents don't either, except its focus on Marsha Linehan, like the Godmother of BPD treatment. My feelings toward Marsha have been quite ambivalent. Her treatment plan--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT--always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I went through a couple weeks of it and found it so boring and frustrating that the group leader graduated me from the program. I don't know how I graduated without learning any of the skills, but I just told the doctor I didn't need it. (It perhaps might help if it wasn't that hospital's practice to throw everyone in DBT. Most of the people there were in the class for depression and anxiety, not BPD). In any case, I didn't learn anything from the program and left with quite hostile feelings toward it. Plenty of others with BPD have talked about how wonderful DBT is. Maybe I'm just unconsciously resistant to it. All I know is I didn't like it.
So, considering my feelings toward DBT, it's not hard to believe that I don't usually take much stock in anything Marsha has to say. But this article focused so much on her and her therapy style. And you know what? I think I might like her. It just made me so sad, and a little nostalgic, to hear how she interacts with her patients. I would love to have a therapist like that! She's so funny and witty. She uses sarcasm like a good tool. Seeing as I grew up in a very sarcastic family, I always think highly of those who can use it well. It also reminded me of my first therapist, the one who diagnosed me. He really was a sweet guy and if I'm to be totally honest I probably had a slight crush on him. (Even now whenever I see the psychiatrist on Law and Order SVU I smile because he reminds me of him.) But he really did try to understand me and figure out what worked best for me. Yeah there were times that I got angry at him and he did make a mistep, but everybody makes mistakes. I just wish he hadn't been so quick to get rid of me. As soon as I started getting better he was like, I don't think you need therapy anymore. And of course I agreed because it was the first time in my life I felt stable and who am I to argue with the doctor?
Unfortunately it seems to be the case often with me. As soon as things start to go uphill, people think I don't need them anymore and they take off. It makes things really confusing cuz I'm like: do I have to be in a crisis for people to care about me? My husband says it's because I'm not overdramatic so people aren't pressured to pay as much attention. Whatever the case my therapist kicked me out of therapy when I should probably be in it for the long haul. But then that's the problem with HMOs. Always looking for the quick fix and not wanting to deal with any patient who needs long term treatment.
But back to my original point, I really like the person Time painted Marsha Linehan to be. I'd love to have her as my therapist. Unfortunately google search hasn't shown any therapist with BPD experience in the area, let alone the Godmother. So I guess I'll have to sit and wonder until my new insurance kicks in and I can find a therapist.
I think it's funny that I'll be looking for a therapist before I look for a Primary Care Physician.
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