Nobody Knows

I feel so lonely lately.

As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I've been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I'm not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven't heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It's just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don't feel like I have a lot of support it's like, what's the point?

Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn't that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it's really, really hard.

We'll see...

chatter box

I am utterly convinced that I talk way too much.

This is a problem that I am well aware of. And it's not so much that I talk a lot, more so that I am way to open about my personal life. I'm a pretty open person and tend to share a lot of personal things with people too soon in the relationship. I can almost see them physically pull away from the conversation when that happens.

Because I am aware of this character flaw, I try to pull back with new people and am constantly censoring myself. Unfortunately I think I then come off as really aloof or distant. Which isn't like me at all. Then it's really hard for me to get to know people because I never know how much is too much.

And sometimes I'll have realized I've shared too much so the next time I talk witht that person I pull back. Which probably seems like I'm giving them the cold shoulder.

So there is my predicament. I either share too much too soon, or I come off as snotty.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why few friends stay around for very long.

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

So I have a friend who has Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she also has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's my best friend, and it's ridiculous how alike we are sometimes. Somehow I'm not surprised that we possibly have the same exact disorders.

There is something refreshing about having friends who have similar disorders as me. It really helps me know that I'm not completely alone and someone out there does understand me, at least a little. And for the most part I'm able to reciprocate the empathy.

The problem comes when these friends want me to come up with a solution to their problems. Most of the time they're the exact same problems I have. How am I supposed to help you when I can't help myself? A lot of times I end up spouting off something my doctor has told me or I've read on an online support page. Of course then I feel like a total hypocrite cuz it's not like I'm doing these things. So I've taken to telling the truth and saying I don't know, but then I feel guilty because the other person doesn't necessarily have the same support I have, or at least had.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Besides, it's not like the other person necessarily takes my advice. But I can't blame them since it's not like I'm doing it either.

I think the whole problem would be solved if insurance companies weren't such damn bitches.