***Warning: Possible Trigger***
I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.
I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.
When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Debbie Downer
Have you ever felt like you're such a downer that no one wants to talk to you?
I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.
The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.
Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.
I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.
The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.
Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Arduous Reality
It is a long and arduous journey.
I don't even know if I used that word correctly.
The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.
If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.
All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.
Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.
I will have more in a few days.
I don't even know if I used that word correctly.
The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.
If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.
All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.
Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.
I will have more in a few days.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Down We Go
I am going through the motions this morning under the finding that my mood has plummeted. What was so good this weekend is now completely gone. I don't even want to be at work right now.
My exercise video was really difficult this morning. I couldn't keep up with the tempo and wanted to quit at every section (but I didn't). Partly it's that I'm so sore and partly it's that I'm so tired.
I don't know what brought this on. It could have been the episode of SVU last night. It could have been the many mini-arguments with the hubby last night. It could be punishment for the 2 1/2 glasses of Sangria. All I know is I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. For absolutley no reason. And for some reason, I can't muster the energy to look forward to my therapy appointment today.
My exercise video was really difficult this morning. I couldn't keep up with the tempo and wanted to quit at every section (but I didn't). Partly it's that I'm so sore and partly it's that I'm so tired.
I don't know what brought this on. It could have been the episode of SVU last night. It could have been the many mini-arguments with the hubby last night. It could be punishment for the 2 1/2 glasses of Sangria. All I know is I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. For absolutley no reason. And for some reason, I can't muster the energy to look forward to my therapy appointment today.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Tipping Point
I have reached that critical point called crisis.
I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.
I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy
And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...
On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?
For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.
I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.
I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy
And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...
On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?
For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Bring on the Chocolate!
7 Super Snacks That HealBy David Zinczenko, with Matt Goulding - Posted on Mon, Jun 30, 2008, 12:35 pm PDT
If some doctors had their way today, Americans would be more medicated than industrial feedlot cattle. But what most people don’t realize is that the first line of defense against stress, fatigue, depression, and so many other maladies is found in supermarket aisles, not in the drug store.
Research shows that the vitamins, minerals, and active compounds specific to certain fruits, vegetables, and even chocolate and red wine have an immediate and lasting impact on your mood, your health, your fitness — even your sex life.
Whether you have a big presentation at work, or the need to burn a few hundred extra calories a day (and who doesn’t want to do that?), why not put food to work for you? Here are seven research-backed quick cures just waiting for you in the fresh produce bins and supermarket shelves.
1. When You're Stressed...
Eat This:
1 Cup of Low-Fat Yogurt or 2 Tbsp of Mixed Nuts
Scientists in Slovakia gave people 3 grams each of two amino acids — lysine and arginine — or a placebo and asked them to deliver a speech. Blood measurements of stress hormones revealed that the amino acid–fortified public speakers were half as anxious during and after the speech as those who took the placebo. Yogurt is one of the best food sources of lysine; nuts pack tons of arginine.
Not That!
A Can of Soda
A study from the American Journal of Public Health found that people who drink 20 ounces of soda daily are three times more likely to be depressed and anxious, compared with those who drink less.
2. When You Want to Increase Your Metabolism...
Drink This:
Green Tea
Catechins, the powerful antioxidants found in green tea, are known to stoke your metabolism, making it burn hotter and torch more calories. A study by Japanese researchers found that participants who consumed 690 milligrams of catechins from green tea daily had significantly lower body-mass indexes and smaller waist measurements than tea-totalers (i.e., they avoid the stuff).
Not That!
Nothing
Skipping meals lets your body's calorie-burning furnace go cold. Spread out snacks throughout the day. Try a cup of yogurt with fresh fruit or almonds between breakfast and lunch, and a hard-boiled egg or hummus with vegetables in the afternoon.
3. When You're Low on Energy...
Eat This:
A Handful of Trail Mix
Raisins provide potassium, which your body uses to convert sugar into energy. Nuts stock your body with magnesium, which boosts metabolism and improves nerve and muscle function. (When magnesium levels are low, your body produces more lactic acid — the same fatigue-byproduct that makes your muscles ache at the end of a workout.)
Not That!
Espresso-Based Drinks
Sure, the caffeine will perk you up, but the spike in blood sugar that follows — with anywhere from 16 grams (latte) to 59 grams (white chocolate mocha) of sugar coursing through your veins — will ultimately launch your own personal energy crisis. Stick to brewed coffee with one packet of sugar, max.
4. When You Need a Brain Boost...
Eat This:
Blueberries
Antioxidants in blueberries help protect the brain from free-radical damage, which could decrease your risk of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases, and improve cognitive processing. Wild blueberries, if you can find them (or grow them!), have even more brain-boosting antioxidants than the cultivated variety.
Not That!
Ice Cream
Sugary foods incite sudden surges of blood glucose that, in the long term, cause sugar highs and lows, and make you as distractable as a toddler in the Disney store. And foods high in saturated fat can clog blood vessels and slow the flow of nutrients and blood to the brain.
5. When You're Under the Weather...
Drink This:
Ginseng Tea, Hot or Iced
In a Canadian study, people who took 400 milligrams of ginseng a day had 25 percent fewer colds than people who popped a placebo. Ginseng helps kill invading viruses by increasing the body's production of key immune cells.
Not That!
Caffeinated Beverages and Energy Drinks
Excessive caffeine messes with your sleep schedule and sabotages key immune agents. And insufficient sleep opens the door to colds, upper respiratory infections, and other ills. What's more, caffeine can dehydrate you, and hydration is vital during illness: Fluids not only transport nutrients to the problem zones, but also carry away toxins.
6. When You Need to Wake Up and Go...
Eat This:
Eggs and Whole-Wheat Toast
Eggs are a great source of protein, and having them for breakfast sets you up for a perfect day of eating. Saint Louis University researchers found that people who eat eggs for breakfast consume 264 fewer calories the rest of the day than those who eat bagels and cream cheese.
Not That!
Bagel and Cream Cheese
At 500 calories and 20 grams of fat, this deli disaster is one of the worst ways to start your day. Sixty grams of fast-burning carbohydrates will cause a dip in energy and a spike in hunger, long before lunchtime. The same goes for croissants, danish, donuts, and pancakes.
7. When You Want to Get ''In the Mood''...
Eat This:
Dark Chocolate
The cocoa in chocolate contains stimulants that increase your body's sensitivity. Chocolate also contains phenylethylamine, a chemical that can give you a slight natural high. And Italian researchers found that women who often eat chocolate have a higher sex drive than those who don't. Make sure your chocolate has at least 60 percent cacao.
Not That!
The Third Glass of Wine
The alcohol in wine affects your prefrontal cortex, which can decrease inhibition and up your sexual appetite. But only for the first glass or two. Beyond that, the toxic affects of alcohol in your system take over and are as likely to make you sleepy as they are to make you sexy. The more pouring, the more snoring.
Taken from Yahoo Health: http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/9904/7-super-snacks-that-heal/
If some doctors had their way today, Americans would be more medicated than industrial feedlot cattle. But what most people don’t realize is that the first line of defense against stress, fatigue, depression, and so many other maladies is found in supermarket aisles, not in the drug store.
Research shows that the vitamins, minerals, and active compounds specific to certain fruits, vegetables, and even chocolate and red wine have an immediate and lasting impact on your mood, your health, your fitness — even your sex life.
Whether you have a big presentation at work, or the need to burn a few hundred extra calories a day (and who doesn’t want to do that?), why not put food to work for you? Here are seven research-backed quick cures just waiting for you in the fresh produce bins and supermarket shelves.
1. When You're Stressed...
Eat This:
1 Cup of Low-Fat Yogurt or 2 Tbsp of Mixed Nuts
Scientists in Slovakia gave people 3 grams each of two amino acids — lysine and arginine — or a placebo and asked them to deliver a speech. Blood measurements of stress hormones revealed that the amino acid–fortified public speakers were half as anxious during and after the speech as those who took the placebo. Yogurt is one of the best food sources of lysine; nuts pack tons of arginine.
Not That!
A Can of Soda
A study from the American Journal of Public Health found that people who drink 20 ounces of soda daily are three times more likely to be depressed and anxious, compared with those who drink less.
2. When You Want to Increase Your Metabolism...
Drink This:
Green Tea
Catechins, the powerful antioxidants found in green tea, are known to stoke your metabolism, making it burn hotter and torch more calories. A study by Japanese researchers found that participants who consumed 690 milligrams of catechins from green tea daily had significantly lower body-mass indexes and smaller waist measurements than tea-totalers (i.e., they avoid the stuff).
Not That!
Nothing
Skipping meals lets your body's calorie-burning furnace go cold. Spread out snacks throughout the day. Try a cup of yogurt with fresh fruit or almonds between breakfast and lunch, and a hard-boiled egg or hummus with vegetables in the afternoon.
3. When You're Low on Energy...
Eat This:
A Handful of Trail Mix
Raisins provide potassium, which your body uses to convert sugar into energy. Nuts stock your body with magnesium, which boosts metabolism and improves nerve and muscle function. (When magnesium levels are low, your body produces more lactic acid — the same fatigue-byproduct that makes your muscles ache at the end of a workout.)
Not That!
Espresso-Based Drinks
Sure, the caffeine will perk you up, but the spike in blood sugar that follows — with anywhere from 16 grams (latte) to 59 grams (white chocolate mocha) of sugar coursing through your veins — will ultimately launch your own personal energy crisis. Stick to brewed coffee with one packet of sugar, max.
4. When You Need a Brain Boost...
Eat This:
Blueberries
Antioxidants in blueberries help protect the brain from free-radical damage, which could decrease your risk of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases, and improve cognitive processing. Wild blueberries, if you can find them (or grow them!), have even more brain-boosting antioxidants than the cultivated variety.
Not That!
Ice Cream
Sugary foods incite sudden surges of blood glucose that, in the long term, cause sugar highs and lows, and make you as distractable as a toddler in the Disney store. And foods high in saturated fat can clog blood vessels and slow the flow of nutrients and blood to the brain.
5. When You're Under the Weather...
Drink This:
Ginseng Tea, Hot or Iced
In a Canadian study, people who took 400 milligrams of ginseng a day had 25 percent fewer colds than people who popped a placebo. Ginseng helps kill invading viruses by increasing the body's production of key immune cells.
Not That!
Caffeinated Beverages and Energy Drinks
Excessive caffeine messes with your sleep schedule and sabotages key immune agents. And insufficient sleep opens the door to colds, upper respiratory infections, and other ills. What's more, caffeine can dehydrate you, and hydration is vital during illness: Fluids not only transport nutrients to the problem zones, but also carry away toxins.
6. When You Need to Wake Up and Go...
Eat This:
Eggs and Whole-Wheat Toast
Eggs are a great source of protein, and having them for breakfast sets you up for a perfect day of eating. Saint Louis University researchers found that people who eat eggs for breakfast consume 264 fewer calories the rest of the day than those who eat bagels and cream cheese.
Not That!
Bagel and Cream Cheese
At 500 calories and 20 grams of fat, this deli disaster is one of the worst ways to start your day. Sixty grams of fast-burning carbohydrates will cause a dip in energy and a spike in hunger, long before lunchtime. The same goes for croissants, danish, donuts, and pancakes.
7. When You Want to Get ''In the Mood''...
Eat This:
Dark Chocolate
The cocoa in chocolate contains stimulants that increase your body's sensitivity. Chocolate also contains phenylethylamine, a chemical that can give you a slight natural high. And Italian researchers found that women who often eat chocolate have a higher sex drive than those who don't. Make sure your chocolate has at least 60 percent cacao.
Not That!
The Third Glass of Wine
The alcohol in wine affects your prefrontal cortex, which can decrease inhibition and up your sexual appetite. But only for the first glass or two. Beyond that, the toxic affects of alcohol in your system take over and are as likely to make you sleepy as they are to make you sexy. The more pouring, the more snoring.
Taken from Yahoo Health: http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/9904/7-super-snacks-that-heal/
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