WTF Does That Mean!?

I have spent most of the day on the couch in moderate misery. Somehow that nausea I felt yesterday has become a full blown stomach attack. No vomitting, in case you all were wondering, but the nausea remains. And before anyone asks, no I am not pregnant.

But now to the real root of this post.

I got my records from my previous pdoc. I saw him from late 2007 to December 2008.

Here's the sentence:

Diagnosis:
Axis I:
(DSM) 296.80 or 296.7, depending on the day: Bipolar Affective Disorder
Basically either Bipolar Disorder Not-Otherwise-Specified or Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode unspecified.
*Please note that all this time I have thought that they were telling me I had Bipolar II Disorder.

Axis II: ? B Cluster (Nov. 2007)
B Cluster (Jan. 2008 - Jun. 2008)
In September the word "defer" follows the Axis II. So they don't ever define the BPD, just place in the cluster of personalities in which BPD exists.
*I knew there was no real certainty over whether or not I have BPD. Although having just the cluster B label does fit in with me thinking that I have symptoms both of BPD and HPD (Histrionic) though not always necessarily enough to have either diagnosis. I will be asking my current therapist what "defer" means.

Interesting stuff huh? Yeah, I don't think doctors expect their patients to have a home copy of the DSM. I'm gonna take my records to my therapist and ask her to translate for me.

The interesting thing is that the pdoc's notes describe a fairly stable girl. I remember things being much more distressing, until I met my hubby anyway.

So all this really kind of reinforces the idea that I really shouldn't worry about labels. They don't describe me.

Of course, despite the stomach attack I'm in a fairly good mood. Who knows what I'll think about labels tomorrow.

Confused Much?

The new therapist says I don't have bpd. I'm too self-aware to have a personality disorder. But she can't say whether or not i have borderline traits.

I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.

I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.

I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.

But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.

I just don't know!

Tomorrow's Appointment

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow.

I don't know I'm going to talk about. So much has gone though my mind this past week. The past. The future. The present. The fantasy world I lived in for so long. The range of personalities I seem to have. The extreme mood swings. I even made an impulsive buy today. Somehow convinced myself I would start painting. We'll see, it may yet happen. And now I just watched a very violent rape attempt on Law & Order: SVU and that has proven to be a bit much for me. So I off I go to recover.

The Horizon

I saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. A lot better than the pdoc. I know now that I had unrealistic expectations and I was frustrated that I couldn't advocate for myself.

The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.

I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.

So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.

Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.

---

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now.

My pdoc appointment was...okay I guess. I didn't get any relief out of it. Oh well, at least I got my meds.

I'm supposed to have a therapist appointment tomorrow. If she takes my insurance. The receptionist didn't call me back so I'm assuming all is well.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have work, then a dinner, then the appointment, then a DBSA meeting. I guess that's good. I seem to get depressed when I come home. Probably because I finally turn off and it all comes crashing down. I don't know what to do about that.

One of the blogs I read had an entry. She has a daughter who will be arriving to school next week at the college that I work. It was really weird to read that. It was like a connection. And I thought about telling the author this but then I thought, what if it's not appreciated. What if it's like her virtual world invading her real world? That's kind of how I felt when I read the post. So I'll stay silent.


I'm just really, really down right now.