WTF Does That Mean!?

I have spent most of the day on the couch in moderate misery. Somehow that nausea I felt yesterday has become a full blown stomach attack. No vomitting, in case you all were wondering, but the nausea remains. And before anyone asks, no I am not pregnant.

But now to the real root of this post.

I got my records from my previous pdoc. I saw him from late 2007 to December 2008.

Here's the sentence:

Diagnosis:
Axis I:
(DSM) 296.80 or 296.7, depending on the day: Bipolar Affective Disorder
Basically either Bipolar Disorder Not-Otherwise-Specified or Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode unspecified.
*Please note that all this time I have thought that they were telling me I had Bipolar II Disorder.

Axis II: ? B Cluster (Nov. 2007)
B Cluster (Jan. 2008 - Jun. 2008)
In September the word "defer" follows the Axis II. So they don't ever define the BPD, just place in the cluster of personalities in which BPD exists.
*I knew there was no real certainty over whether or not I have BPD. Although having just the cluster B label does fit in with me thinking that I have symptoms both of BPD and HPD (Histrionic) though not always necessarily enough to have either diagnosis. I will be asking my current therapist what "defer" means.

Interesting stuff huh? Yeah, I don't think doctors expect their patients to have a home copy of the DSM. I'm gonna take my records to my therapist and ask her to translate for me.

The interesting thing is that the pdoc's notes describe a fairly stable girl. I remember things being much more distressing, until I met my hubby anyway.

So all this really kind of reinforces the idea that I really shouldn't worry about labels. They don't describe me.

Of course, despite the stomach attack I'm in a fairly good mood. Who knows what I'll think about labels tomorrow.

The Horizon

I saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. A lot better than the pdoc. I know now that I had unrealistic expectations and I was frustrated that I couldn't advocate for myself.

The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.

I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.

So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.

Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.

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I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now.

My pdoc appointment was...okay I guess. I didn't get any relief out of it. Oh well, at least I got my meds.

I'm supposed to have a therapist appointment tomorrow. If she takes my insurance. The receptionist didn't call me back so I'm assuming all is well.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have work, then a dinner, then the appointment, then a DBSA meeting. I guess that's good. I seem to get depressed when I come home. Probably because I finally turn off and it all comes crashing down. I don't know what to do about that.

One of the blogs I read had an entry. She has a daughter who will be arriving to school next week at the college that I work. It was really weird to read that. It was like a connection. And I thought about telling the author this but then I thought, what if it's not appreciated. What if it's like her virtual world invading her real world? That's kind of how I felt when I read the post. So I'll stay silent.


I'm just really, really down right now.

Drifting

Well, I've reached Day 2 without the mass panic that was my life this week. Even had a coffee and Dr. Pepper today (thank god cuz caffeine headaches are horrible!). Although today the (not-quite-fullblown) depression kicked back in. It's almost apathy. I went to the zoo with my visitors while the hubby was at work. That was nice. Now I'm just kinda drifting.

I'm counting the minutes til my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

The Tipping Point

I have reached that critical point called crisis.

I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.

I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy

And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...

On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?

For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.

Victory at Last!

I have finally found a psychiatrist!

Now whether or not he's a good match remains to be seen. But I actually have an appointment. Not as soon as I would like, but let's face it, psychiatrists are in high demand. And he takes my insurance. Hallelujah!

A definite plus in what has been a particularly difficult day.