Down We Go

I am going through the motions this morning under the finding that my mood has plummeted. What was so good this weekend is now completely gone. I don't even want to be at work right now.

My exercise video was really difficult this morning. I couldn't keep up with the tempo and wanted to quit at every section (but I didn't). Partly it's that I'm so sore and partly it's that I'm so tired.

I don't know what brought this on. It could have been the episode of SVU last night. It could have been the many mini-arguments with the hubby last night. It could be punishment for the 2 1/2 glasses of Sangria. All I know is I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. For absolutley no reason. And for some reason, I can't muster the energy to look forward to my therapy appointment today.

Productivity

I've had a really productive day.

I did at least three rounds of dishes. Two loads of laundry. Rearranged my dresser. Organized my jewelry. Cleaned the litter box twice. Swept the cats bathroom twice, swiffered it once. Took the recycling to the recycling center. All the while dancing and singing along with my ipod. For some reason I don't really want to be touched or bothered.

All though my imaginary world has returned again. It actually made the chores fun.

And to think, this morning I didn't even want to get out of bed after the hubby got mad at me about something. After that Flirty Girl work out I'm golden. Although I would like to get sleepy so I can go to bed. I made myself some chamomile tea so hopefully that will calm me down. I just have to wait for it to get cool enough to drink.

Work to Happy

My mood is in one of those limbo states again.

I tried out my Flirty Girl fitness video finally. Wow! This video kicked my ass. Definitely gonna have to use the inhaler before I begin the video. It was great though for several reasons: 1) it really works up a sweat, 2) I can feel my muscles working out 3) I love dancing so it's fun, 4) I do it in the privacy of my own home before my hubby wakes up so I don't get embarrassed, 5) the woman in the video is constantly telling me how good I look...lol!

I think I'll actually be able to do this (vs. the gym) because it's actually fun. And there's no time to get bored. I love it!

It had my mood up for quite sometime after the workout. I got dishes done and am doing laundry. Now...my mood's still up but not quite as energetic. Is this a normal mood? I don't know if I like it...

On A Roll

I went to the gym this afternoon for the second day in a row! That's huge!!! And I actually feel good today. Sure I had some moments that I felt really sad, but I was able to get through them. I guess mind over matter can work when I really want it to.

I think the problem with me up til now has been that I'm afraid to "get better". I've never really known who I am, and I've used the Borderline label to sort of anchor and define myself. If I get better, or I don't really have it (which I'm constantly afraid somebody's going to say to me) then I lose the only thing that has adequately described me. I mean if I get better, that means I fix my flawed personality. If that gets fixed, it changes, and then once again I have no idea who I am. I guess I'm never going to be "whole" until I can find out who I am underneath all the labels.

The other problem with me is that I crave attention. If I don't have attention then I feel absolutely worthless. So when no one replies to my emails, or comments on something I've posted, I get really, really depressed. To the point that I really began to wonder if I should even keep the blog. I've decided to keep it and focus more on what it does for me. If what I have to say reaches someone, or someone can relate to it or learn from it, that's an added bonus. But the real reason I blog needs to be from me. I need to stop seeking outside validation. If I can't validate myself, no validation from someone else is ever going to really help.

Now if only I could find a damn therapist and psychiatrist so I can share all these revelations and they could help me do something about them! I did buy some books on managing BPD. I have a whole collection of books on BPD and Bipolar Disorder but I also use them to reaffirm my identity as a helpless victim. Now I'm going to use them to take control.


On a lighter note I finally found a cheap wine that tastes good. Apparently cheap cabernet sauvignon tastes better than cheap pinot grigio. I already used one of my pricier wines for myself at a particularly low point. The other two I am saving for when we eventually have people over. It will happen someday... :)