And Somewhere Amongst the Chaos

Hello!

Manic Ari has made an appearance today. Not that manic Ari is actually ever manic. (Although due to recent realizations about past diagnoses it may be possible). It is more likely that manic Ari is hypomanic. Never mind that the hypomania comes with grand delusions. Let manic Ari have her grand delusions, even if after the fact she realizes they are delusions. it doesn't make them go away. So there to my therapist who says i'm too self-aware to have issues.

But back to manic Ari. Lately it's only been depressed Ari. We'll call depressed Ari: Daria. So Daria has been making quite the waves. And Daria has been having increasing anxiety that makes her want to shoot herself in the head. Manic Ari also has anxiety but it's more like let's get up and dance. So Manic Ari, let's call her Mary. Mary and Daria have been switching back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, like a giant seesaw. Mary is out to play. I like Mary a lot better.

Madness

So I made it through the retreat in one piece and one mind...sorta. I made the two days without any kind of breakdown. Although today I have run quite the gamut of emotions. I've teetered on the edge of dissociation, depression, and I think I managed to sneak some hypomania in there too. Now I don't know what I feel. I'm all jumbled up in the head. I've thought today about identifying as someone with an invisible disability (which happens to be a target group on the scale of oppression, we played The Game Of Oppression this morning), thinking of how my bipolar and bpd affect me, denying I have bipolar and bpd, and ultimately deciding that if I don't think about it then it won't bother me. (Although it didn't keep me from reading my email groups and blogs).

I'm pretty convinced right now that if I just stop thinking and trying so hard, and can become one with my madness and not have to suffer all this heartache of acting normal and trying to be understood. Right now, at this very moment, sitting right here on this couch, I just want to let the madness take me away. But I won't, because that would be irresponsible. I wish I could just be damned irresponsible and not worry about anything at all. I want to take a blade up and down my arms without worrying about the consequences. I want to get absolutely drunk and hit the (nonexistent) nightlife. I want to dance all night. I want to stare off into space and have a conversation with the wall. I want to do all the things I did when everything was safe in my own mind. When my imagination was enough to make the real world drop away. But instead I'll just sit here on my couch and not worry my hubby.

I do think I'll go grab another pomegranite martini. delicious!