Debbie Downer

Have you ever felt like you're such a downer that no one wants to talk to you?

I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.

The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.

Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.

A Most Unfortunate Friend

Depression is a rather unfortunate friend to have. It's the kind of friend that doesn't know how to leave you alone. He visits at the most inopportune times. He makes other relationships difficult to maintain. He lures to laziness so that chores remain undone. And this dysfunctional relationship makes going--and staying--to work quite difficult. He's the kind of friend you wish would go away but you don't know how to make him leave.

And yet this unwelcome visitor is a friend. I know him quite intimately. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets. And we've known each other for quite a long time.

Perhaps the most irritating part of this friendship is that sometimes he'll leave me alone. I can go a whole day without seeing him. I'll think he's gone to terrorize another. But then I wake up the next morning, and there he is. Turns out he never left, I was just able to ignore him for the day.

I wish his current visit would come to an end. That and his cousin fatigue, who has been here quite a while. I could also do without his sister anxiety. The three of them are having quite a time with me, and I'd really just like them to leave me alone.

Arduous Reality

It is a long and arduous journey.

I don't even know if I used that word correctly.

The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.

If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.

All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.

Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.

I will have more in a few days.

Drifting

Well, I've reached Day 2 without the mass panic that was my life this week. Even had a coffee and Dr. Pepper today (thank god cuz caffeine headaches are horrible!). Although today the (not-quite-fullblown) depression kicked back in. It's almost apathy. I went to the zoo with my visitors while the hubby was at work. That was nice. Now I'm just kinda drifting.

I'm counting the minutes til my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

Proactivity

Well, I did some more looking out for me today. I told my supervisor about the bipolar (though I did very consciously leave out the bpd). She was actually very matter of fact about it and just said to keep her informed about what I need from her. And then I told her that with all I've been dealing with I thought I needed to leave work early (the anxiety/hypomania/mixed episode/whatever the hell is wrong with me was back this morning). She let me go after our meeting. I took the opportunity to have lunch with my mother-in-law and finally came out with it. She was really understanding and empathic about it. We were both brought close to tears multiple times. Then we went shopping together and she bought me some pants and a sign for the laundry room. It was a good time.

I was good for a while but the anxiety came back a little bit. I've been trying to stay away from caffeine today, which is hard because i'm addicted. So i had tea this morning and iced tea at lunch. caffeinated but not as bad as coffee and soda. But around 5 or 6 i finally gave in and had a dr. pepper because i had such a bad headache. After that and advil didn't work i ran to the store for some excedrin migraine. the headache is still slightly there but the nausea is gone. The headache sucks because with all this nervous energy i'd love to go to the gym. but with the headache and sometimes nausea (and/or acid reflux...too much?) it's really hard to think about working out. My head and stomach need rest but my nerves need activity. And then with being up one minute and down the next, my body just can't figure out what it needs. I am back to taking all my meds.

Eh, I guess I'm really just complaining. I just need to get through the weekend and make it to my pdoc appointment on Monday. Hmmm...methinks this blog might see a lot of action this weekend...