I've seen a couple of good news, bad news segments on various shows. I felt inspired!
The Good News: I was inspired by a comedian with cerebral palsy. His comedy may sometimes be at his own expense, but it spreads awareness about cerebral palsy. I feel inspired. I've always wanted to be some kind of speaker and lately I would love to spread awareness about psychiatric disorders.
The Bad News: I am not likely to be discovered soon for having a snazzy comedy routine based on my bipolar disorder.
The Good News: I am feeling much better. The depression seems to have passed.
The Bad News: I may be experiencing random bursts of hypomania. Oh wait, that's good news!
The Good News: The students I work with a getting to know me. They know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at anytime.
The Bad News: The students know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at any time.
The Good News: I created a nifty little newsletter for my students so I could communicated updates and news.
The Bad News: I will now be sending out a nifty newsletter every other week.
The Good News: I think I am beginning to discover who I am.
The Bad News: "I" includes about a dozen different personalities.
That concludes today's Good News, Bad News. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you chuckled. And I hope it brought a little lift to your day.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Today
Today has been a good day. Daria didn't come out to play at all. Or not play as the case may be. I was only a little depressed once and that was only because of a song. Yeah, apparently music can really affect my mood. No surprise there.
Today was really busy. We had an all campus event today. I was on my feet from 9am-1pm enthusiastically passing out notebooks and visiting my students. So very tiring but fun. And then of course I still had work until 4:30.
Now I have discovered that since we don't have eggs I am cooking dinner. Explanation: My husband makes this really good chicken that requires eggs. Without the eggs, I make the better chicken.
So yeah, nothing exciting to report. Which for me is a good thing.
After dinner I may take a bubble bath and have a glass wine. Ooh...relaxation.
Today was really busy. We had an all campus event today. I was on my feet from 9am-1pm enthusiastically passing out notebooks and visiting my students. So very tiring but fun. And then of course I still had work until 4:30.
Now I have discovered that since we don't have eggs I am cooking dinner. Explanation: My husband makes this really good chicken that requires eggs. Without the eggs, I make the better chicken.
So yeah, nothing exciting to report. Which for me is a good thing.
After dinner I may take a bubble bath and have a glass wine. Ooh...relaxation.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Hopeless
***Warning: Possible Trigger***
I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.
I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.
When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?
I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you're not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I'm not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so overwhelmed.
I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That's why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I'm afraid that they won't accept me since I haven't made a "plan". I'm afraid of the costs. I'm afraid at the consequences at work. And I'm afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.
When the only options are life and death, and you can't do either, where does that leave you?
Nobody Knows
I feel so lonely lately.
As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I've been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I'm not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven't heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It's just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don't feel like I have a lot of support it's like, what's the point?
Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn't that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it's really, really hard.
We'll see...
As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I've been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I'm not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven't heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It's just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don't feel like I have a lot of support it's like, what's the point?
Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn't that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it's really, really hard.
We'll see...
Monday, August 24, 2009
FML
I feel like such a failure.
I don't like the job I went to school to do.
I just can't get this life thing right.
I don't like the job I went to school to do.
I just can't get this life thing right.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Debbie Downer
Have you ever felt like you're such a downer that no one wants to talk to you?
I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.
The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.
Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.
I feel like I'm that constant rain cloud in people's lives. I've been complaining a lot. I try to keep it under control, I really do. It just seems that every other word is a new complaint. I try to play it off by laughing and pretend I just have a really bad sense of humor.
The truth is I'm just that pathetic. I am so miserable right now that I've even lost the ability to hide it. The stress has finally reached its goal of conquering another. Every new thing in my life these days stresses me out. And all day at work I have to hide the fact that I'm depressed and stressed. So when I'm sitting in my office or with my one trusted coworker it all comes tumbling out. And when I get home it all just envelopes me like my new backstabbing best friend.
Something has got to change because I can't go on like this.
Paradox
Please note that I am not referring to a pair of ducks.
It's amazing how one can be okay and totally not okay at the same time. I felt like absolute shit this morning, woke up late, had to throw together some makeshift lunch, and then dropped a peach slice on my keyboard. Now dropping a peach slice on a keyboard may not seem like a big deal. However, this was a canned peach slice with lots of sugary sweetness to possibly make my keyboard. And when one has a very small sliver of brain left, dropping a sugary peach slice can be quite the last straw. It was not as I have retained my personality and (though admittedly barely there) functionality.
I still feel like shit. But I can kind of function. Today is a low key day. Just a few meetings. I do have to stay after hours but that doesn't seem so catastrophic at the moment.
How can one be depressed but able to laugh at the same time. I do not understand this paradox.
It's amazing how one can be okay and totally not okay at the same time. I felt like absolute shit this morning, woke up late, had to throw together some makeshift lunch, and then dropped a peach slice on my keyboard. Now dropping a peach slice on a keyboard may not seem like a big deal. However, this was a canned peach slice with lots of sugary sweetness to possibly make my keyboard. And when one has a very small sliver of brain left, dropping a sugary peach slice can be quite the last straw. It was not as I have retained my personality and (though admittedly barely there) functionality.
I still feel like shit. But I can kind of function. Today is a low key day. Just a few meetings. I do have to stay after hours but that doesn't seem so catastrophic at the moment.
How can one be depressed but able to laugh at the same time. I do not understand this paradox.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Arduous Reality
It is a long and arduous journey.
I don't even know if I used that word correctly.
The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.
If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.
All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.
Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.
I will have more in a few days.
I don't even know if I used that word correctly.
The stress levels are up. The anxiety is up. Communication via internet is way, way down. I've taken some time away to try to work out the mess in my mind.
If you can't tell this hasn't been entirely successful.
All I know is full-time work is becoming less and less manageable. I now stand at the crossroads between change and non-change. We'll see what happens. I'm stressed. I'm worried about things not changing, and I'm afraid of what will need to be done if they do change.
Sorry I'm being vague but the current situation calls for it.
I will have more in a few days.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Frankly, My Dear...
I'm losing my mind.
I'm sitting at work and can't get anything done. I have 5 hours left of this horror. I was supposed to get out this afternoon and greet freshmen and pass out flyers, which would have been a nice distraction, but the graduate students finished that. Now I have nothing to do for the next five hours but sit and stare at my computer screen wrecking myself for my ineptitude. Should I ask to go home. I don't want to do that because then I have given in.
Frankly, my dear, this sucks!
I'm sitting at work and can't get anything done. I have 5 hours left of this horror. I was supposed to get out this afternoon and greet freshmen and pass out flyers, which would have been a nice distraction, but the graduate students finished that. Now I have nothing to do for the next five hours but sit and stare at my computer screen wrecking myself for my ineptitude. Should I ask to go home. I don't want to do that because then I have given in.
Frankly, my dear, this sucks!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Avalanche
I am utterly overwhelmed.
Typically, I am the type of gal who can juggle several things at once. Enjoys it even. But there are too many balls in the air and some of them are invisible. There is too much input and not enough space for output.
I have reached the point of overwhelming input such that my brain has stopped. I cannot think. It is a struggle to even do the simplest task. I can barely manage to get myself presentable every morning, let alone work to my fullest capacity. My brain has stopped. It is sad that every day I lose more and more of my skills. Interestlingly enough it seems to coincide quite nicely with the fact that everyday I lose more and more of my mind. By mind I mean sanity.
I have just gotten back from lunch. Before lunch, i spent an hour doing useless internet surfing. I'm sure there is plenty for me to do. I need to create some kind of list, or plan, to get my life together at work. My desk is constantly a mess with projects I need to follow up on and tasks I need to complete. But I can't do it. I can't find the energy or motivation. I can't put the knowledge of needing to do something to action. My mind and body are at a slight disconnect. How am I to get anything done? I've worked all morning and now I've run out of steam.
I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. How will I focus? How will I come across as intelligent? How--quite plainly--will I function?
They are doing work in the staff room, which is right next to my office. So all week has been pounding and drilling. This morning was filled with nonstop drilling and sawing. It has since stopped but my senses are still overwhelmed.
Seems to be a theme.
Everyday I wonder if I should really be working full-time. But I don't really have a choice.
Typically, I am the type of gal who can juggle several things at once. Enjoys it even. But there are too many balls in the air and some of them are invisible. There is too much input and not enough space for output.
I have reached the point of overwhelming input such that my brain has stopped. I cannot think. It is a struggle to even do the simplest task. I can barely manage to get myself presentable every morning, let alone work to my fullest capacity. My brain has stopped. It is sad that every day I lose more and more of my skills. Interestlingly enough it seems to coincide quite nicely with the fact that everyday I lose more and more of my mind. By mind I mean sanity.
I have just gotten back from lunch. Before lunch, i spent an hour doing useless internet surfing. I'm sure there is plenty for me to do. I need to create some kind of list, or plan, to get my life together at work. My desk is constantly a mess with projects I need to follow up on and tasks I need to complete. But I can't do it. I can't find the energy or motivation. I can't put the knowledge of needing to do something to action. My mind and body are at a slight disconnect. How am I to get anything done? I've worked all morning and now I've run out of steam.
I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. How will I focus? How will I come across as intelligent? How--quite plainly--will I function?
They are doing work in the staff room, which is right next to my office. So all week has been pounding and drilling. This morning was filled with nonstop drilling and sawing. It has since stopped but my senses are still overwhelmed.
Seems to be a theme.
Everyday I wonder if I should really be working full-time. But I don't really have a choice.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Past and Immediate Future
I had a bad dream last night that I got into an argument with my younger sister. She did something to really piss me off and I told her I was done with her. I woke up with a headache (again) and a little disoriented. I hate waking up from dreams like that, i never feel quite right.
This is the 2nd or 3rd dream I've had where me and my sister get really into it. I love my sister to death, and don't know why I'm dreaming these things. I got a voicemail from her yesterday, which may have prompted the dream. I'm also wondering if this is residual from past feelings. Having two intake appointments one right after the other has brought up a lot of things from the past. One of those things is my frustration (I can't think of the actual word I want to use) over her seemingly favored position in the family. These dreams may be a way for me to express these feelings in ways I never could in real life. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring it up in my next therapy appointment.
I'm headed out...well, I'm late...to a work retreat. It's an overnight and I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope I'm able to keep it together. I don't know how the stress of constantly being "on" and the sadness I always get when I'm away from my husband will affect my experience.
Wish me well!
This is the 2nd or 3rd dream I've had where me and my sister get really into it. I love my sister to death, and don't know why I'm dreaming these things. I got a voicemail from her yesterday, which may have prompted the dream. I'm also wondering if this is residual from past feelings. Having two intake appointments one right after the other has brought up a lot of things from the past. One of those things is my frustration (I can't think of the actual word I want to use) over her seemingly favored position in the family. These dreams may be a way for me to express these feelings in ways I never could in real life. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring it up in my next therapy appointment.
I'm headed out...well, I'm late...to a work retreat. It's an overnight and I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope I'm able to keep it together. I don't know how the stress of constantly being "on" and the sadness I always get when I'm away from my husband will affect my experience.
Wish me well!
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