Just a Shell

So I have not yet fully recovered from the weekend meltdown. I'm not even sure I'm headed in the direction of recovery.

I hate how such little things can set off such a maelstorm and leave me so broken. I don't even know if I used maelstorm correctly or spelled it correctly but I can't really bring myself to care.

I just feel so empty right now. A shell of my former self. Well, not former self really. More like the self that appears in moments of true sanity. Because I think those moments that I think I'm still crazy I really am sane. Or at least it feels a hell of a lot saner than this.

I don't want to be at work right now. I can't concentrate. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure I can do this job. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Now I know why the cats sleep under the covers or under the bed. It's less vulnerable. I feel like an attack can come at any moment from any side.

I'm losing it but I have nowhere to run.

No Reason

I have a wonderful loving husband who tries to understand me and puts up with my large variety of moods.

I have two new adorable kittens who already seem to love us.

I'm starting my job in a couple of weeks.

Our move halfway across the country has been generally successful.

I have a nice apartment that we are quickly getting together.

My parents and my in-laws are helping us through this financially difficult month until my first pay check.

I am loved, blessed, and very lucky.

So there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. I just feel so empty. The feeling comes back anytime I stop doing something. I have this constant urge behind my eyes to cry. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. I can't even find simple joy in playing with the kittens.

What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to be happy?

Empty

Sometimes I just feel so empty and lifeless...

and I don't know why