Past and Immediate Future

I had a bad dream last night that I got into an argument with my younger sister. She did something to really piss me off and I told her I was done with her. I woke up with a headache (again) and a little disoriented. I hate waking up from dreams like that, i never feel quite right.

This is the 2nd or 3rd dream I've had where me and my sister get really into it. I love my sister to death, and don't know why I'm dreaming these things. I got a voicemail from her yesterday, which may have prompted the dream. I'm also wondering if this is residual from past feelings. Having two intake appointments one right after the other has brought up a lot of things from the past. One of those things is my frustration (I can't think of the actual word I want to use) over her seemingly favored position in the family. These dreams may be a way for me to express these feelings in ways I never could in real life. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring it up in my next therapy appointment.

I'm headed out...well, I'm late...to a work retreat. It's an overnight and I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope I'm able to keep it together. I don't know how the stress of constantly being "on" and the sadness I always get when I'm away from my husband will affect my experience.

Wish me well!

The Horizon

I saw the therapist yesterday. It went well. A lot better than the pdoc. I know now that I had unrealistic expectations and I was frustrated that I couldn't advocate for myself.

The therapist...we'll see what next week is like. It's hard to gauge what therapy will be like on the intake appointment. But she seems like she doesn't take any bullshit, which is what I need probably. I think I learned to play my first therapist too well. Yes, I'm admitting that I may have occasionally been a little manipulative with my therapist. But I don't like to think of myself that way. I always hear that about bpd and it's really hurtful to hear. So the no bullshit therapist should work out. She also seems to know a bit about bpd and bipolar which I didn't think I would find since it's a small city.

I also went to the DBSA support group. That was good. Everyone is a bit older than me but they were nice. I was accepted into the group like i'd always been there. The hubby went with me and they actually broke off into a family group. He said he'd go back, but I think he wasn't being totally honest with me. He seemed really introspective after we came back together and when we were in the car he said that the other partners of people with bipolar, their partners are way more serious than I am. So I don't know. I don't want to scare him but I would like him to have some support even though he says he doesn't need it.

So there's my update. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. Kind of normal but really spacy. So this post is not very well written but I'm having a hard time thinking and speaking today.

Oh well. We can't all be eloquent.

Losing It

I'm still losing my mind bit by bit. Not taking the Risperdal last night has helped the depression at least. Unfortunately it was an overwhelming day at work, so at some point tonight my brain just stopped. I had to speak all my thoughts because there was no room to keep them inside. Thank god I have a pdoc appointment on Monday.

My mother-in-law just got in tonight. There's pluses and minuses to that. The plus is I've been really needing some family in my life lately. The minus is that it means I have to pretend to have it together even if I really don't.

Wish me luck!