Confused Much?

The new therapist says I don't have bpd. I'm too self-aware to have a personality disorder. But she can't say whether or not i have borderline traits.

I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.

I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.

I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.

But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.

I just don't know!

Tomorrow's Appointment

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow.

I don't know I'm going to talk about. So much has gone though my mind this past week. The past. The future. The present. The fantasy world I lived in for so long. The range of personalities I seem to have. The extreme mood swings. I even made an impulsive buy today. Somehow convinced myself I would start painting. We'll see, it may yet happen. And now I just watched a very violent rape attempt on Law & Order: SVU and that has proven to be a bit much for me. So I off I go to recover.

Past and Immediate Future

I had a bad dream last night that I got into an argument with my younger sister. She did something to really piss me off and I told her I was done with her. I woke up with a headache (again) and a little disoriented. I hate waking up from dreams like that, i never feel quite right.

This is the 2nd or 3rd dream I've had where me and my sister get really into it. I love my sister to death, and don't know why I'm dreaming these things. I got a voicemail from her yesterday, which may have prompted the dream. I'm also wondering if this is residual from past feelings. Having two intake appointments one right after the other has brought up a lot of things from the past. One of those things is my frustration (I can't think of the actual word I want to use) over her seemingly favored position in the family. These dreams may be a way for me to express these feelings in ways I never could in real life. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring it up in my next therapy appointment.

I'm headed out...well, I'm late...to a work retreat. It's an overnight and I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I hope I'm able to keep it together. I don't know how the stress of constantly being "on" and the sadness I always get when I'm away from my husband will affect my experience.

Wish me well!