Confused Much?

The new therapist says I don't have bpd. I'm too self-aware to have a personality disorder. But she can't say whether or not i have borderline traits.

I am on this fantastic yahoo group. Most of the people in the group have bpd. I can relate to a lot of the things people in that group say. They can relate to things I say. One of the group members says only I know my own mind.

I don't know my own mind. That's part of my problem. That's what I hope to discuss in therapy.

I don't think I'm too self aware to have a personality disorder. I think I'm a smart cookie. And after I do something I can link it to what I've read about bpd and say "maybe this is why I did that." If I realized what i was doing in the moment--or could stop it--then I wouldn't do it. Duh! I also think it's really belittling to people with personality disorders to assume they have no self-awareness.

But what it comes down to is that I still don't know whether or not I have bpd. I'm not inclined to agree with a therapist's idea after our second session. I also don't think my problems are as serious as other experiences.

I just don't know!

Just When You Think You Know It All

Okay, so I've never thought I know it all. I don't even think I know the majority of anything. But I was convinced that I could fake it til I make it. If I pretended that I was happier than I really was, I though my mind would follow suit. Maybe like a mind over matter thing. I thought it was working.

But apparently whatever wires are crossed wrong in my head are far more powerful than my imagination, which is saying a lot.

I pretty much live my life trying to be what others want me to be. I've learned how to say what other people want to here. I do that because 1) I can never put my own thoughts or feelings into words and 2) I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. So I be who others want me to be. Which can get quite exhausting when different people want different things.

One of the hardest things for me is figuring out if I am or if I'm not. Do I really have Borderline Personality Disorder? Do I really have Bipolar Disorder? It's really hard to accept since I'm so high-functioning and I get so many family members not accepting the diagnoses. And then I don't know what other people think or feel. Sometimes I wonder do I really have these serious problems or am I just being overdramatic, hypochondriatic, and lazy?

It's hard because I want people in my life to read up and do research on these disorders to better understand me. Especially my husband. But he doesn't understand how reading books is going to help him understand me. He wants me to tell him about me. But the problem is I can't always find the words and a lot of times I don't even know me so how can I tell someone else about me. My least favorite question is "Tell me about yourself".

Maybe I need to shift how I think about life. Maybe I should just pretend I don't have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Maybe my life would be easier that way.