Well, I did some more looking out for me today. I told my supervisor about the bipolar (though I did very consciously leave out the bpd). She was actually very matter of fact about it and just said to keep her informed about what I need from her. And then I told her that with all I've been dealing with I thought I needed to leave work early (the anxiety/hypomania/mixed episode/whatever the hell is wrong with me was back this morning). She let me go after our meeting. I took the opportunity to have lunch with my mother-in-law and finally came out with it. She was really understanding and empathic about it. We were both brought close to tears multiple times. Then we went shopping together and she bought me some pants and a sign for the laundry room. It was a good time.
I was good for a while but the anxiety came back a little bit. I've been trying to stay away from caffeine today, which is hard because i'm addicted. So i had tea this morning and iced tea at lunch. caffeinated but not as bad as coffee and soda. But around 5 or 6 i finally gave in and had a dr. pepper because i had such a bad headache. After that and advil didn't work i ran to the store for some excedrin migraine. the headache is still slightly there but the nausea is gone. The headache sucks because with all this nervous energy i'd love to go to the gym. but with the headache and sometimes nausea (and/or acid reflux...too much?) it's really hard to think about working out. My head and stomach need rest but my nerves need activity. And then with being up one minute and down the next, my body just can't figure out what it needs. I am back to taking all my meds.
Eh, I guess I'm really just complaining. I just need to get through the weekend and make it to my pdoc appointment on Monday. Hmmm...methinks this blog might see a lot of action this weekend...
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
On Solid, If Mushy, Ground
The crisis has passed...for now.
I called a crisis hotline when I got home from work. Talking to the woman really helped. And she remembered the earlier phone call from my husband. That made me feel good. Like someone actually cared about me enough to remember all that. She was very helpful to talk to. I never thought I'd be the person calling a hotline, but now that I have I'm glad they exist.
Both my husband and my mom think I should talk to my mother-in-law. I know she'd be totally understanding and she's probably really concerned about me. It's just, how do you bring that kind of thing up? It's not like "so now you know I'm crazy" is a great opening for dinner conversation.
The woman I talked to thinks I probably need to add some kind of anti-anxiety meds to my pharmacy. I had pretty much suspected that already. We'll see what the pdoc says on Monday. The good thing is that right now the weekend doesn't seem too long to wait. I can get through one more day of work. What's really gonna be crucial is getting to sleep. I haven't slept well in the past couple of nights, and I know that's affecting me.
I am utterly exhausted from my 24-hour long panic attack. Hopefully that means I'll be able to get a good night's sleep.
I called a crisis hotline when I got home from work. Talking to the woman really helped. And she remembered the earlier phone call from my husband. That made me feel good. Like someone actually cared about me enough to remember all that. She was very helpful to talk to. I never thought I'd be the person calling a hotline, but now that I have I'm glad they exist.
Both my husband and my mom think I should talk to my mother-in-law. I know she'd be totally understanding and she's probably really concerned about me. It's just, how do you bring that kind of thing up? It's not like "so now you know I'm crazy" is a great opening for dinner conversation.
The woman I talked to thinks I probably need to add some kind of anti-anxiety meds to my pharmacy. I had pretty much suspected that already. We'll see what the pdoc says on Monday. The good thing is that right now the weekend doesn't seem too long to wait. I can get through one more day of work. What's really gonna be crucial is getting to sleep. I haven't slept well in the past couple of nights, and I know that's affecting me.
I am utterly exhausted from my 24-hour long panic attack. Hopefully that means I'll be able to get a good night's sleep.
The Tipping Point
I have reached that critical point called crisis.
I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.
I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy
And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...
On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?
For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.
I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn't in on Fridays. So I'm stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma'am.
I know that most of the problem is I've had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let's list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy
And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it's so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you're really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He's her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job...
On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don't really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I'm just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my "depression" or "exhaustion" is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he's been right all along?
For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they'll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I've gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
+ or -?
I had to take this strengths test for work. You take this test and then it tells you your five highest strengths, in order from highest to lowest. I'm not complaining about the test, as confusing as it was, cuz I love these kinds of things. Tell me about some kind of new personality test and I'll probably be first in line to try it out.
What struck was that my fifth strength was positivity. As in optimism. At first I was like, whoa! how'd that sneak in there? And then I realized it was right. When I'm not battling depression, I'm actually pretty positive and carefree. I make jokes and keep people laughing and normally my glass is half full. It's just that when the depression kicks in I become a totally different person.
It's kind of a kick in the butt to realize that. It makes me hate the depression even more.
What struck was that my fifth strength was positivity. As in optimism. At first I was like, whoa! how'd that sneak in there? And then I realized it was right. When I'm not battling depression, I'm actually pretty positive and carefree. I make jokes and keep people laughing and normally my glass is half full. It's just that when the depression kicks in I become a totally different person.
It's kind of a kick in the butt to realize that. It makes me hate the depression even more.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Losing It
I'm still losing my mind bit by bit. Not taking the Risperdal last night has helped the depression at least. Unfortunately it was an overwhelming day at work, so at some point tonight my brain just stopped. I had to speak all my thoughts because there was no room to keep them inside. Thank god I have a pdoc appointment on Monday.
My mother-in-law just got in tonight. There's pluses and minuses to that. The plus is I've been really needing some family in my life lately. The minus is that it means I have to pretend to have it together even if I really don't.
Wish me luck!
My mother-in-law just got in tonight. There's pluses and minuses to that. The plus is I've been really needing some family in my life lately. The minus is that it means I have to pretend to have it together even if I really don't.
Wish me luck!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sigh
That demon depression has once again sneaked in to end the day. I wasn't doing so well this morning. Then the work day was so busy that I really didn't have anytime to just sit. Which means my thoughts didn't have an opportunity to slip down as they have done lately. So I get off work in a great mood and think, yes! finally! But alas it was not meant to be. I did some cleaning in the office since my mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming to visit tomorrow and staying until Saturday. While I was cleaning I got really irritable. Now I've been sitting and as I sit the depression sinks in a little deeper. I wish I had more words to describe what I feel. Depression is so general.
*Description follows, may trigger*
There's this unreasonable sadness, just a touch, but there's no reason for it to be there. Then there is the tiredness. Like, not just sleepy but tired of life. And then I don't want to do anything. And this sense of unease that sits right underneath my skin. It's a very yucky feeling and I can't wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday.
I just feel like I'm losing it lately. I don't know if it's all the transitions that have recently occurred in my life but I do know I want these feelings to stop.
*Description follows, may trigger*
There's this unreasonable sadness, just a touch, but there's no reason for it to be there. Then there is the tiredness. Like, not just sleepy but tired of life. And then I don't want to do anything. And this sense of unease that sits right underneath my skin. It's a very yucky feeling and I can't wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday.
I just feel like I'm losing it lately. I don't know if it's all the transitions that have recently occurred in my life but I do know I want these feelings to stop.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Limbo
My mind is in a state of limbo lately. It doesn't really know which way is up and which way is down. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm irritable, then I'm calm, then I'm happy, then I'm depressed, then I'm angry, then I'm depressed, and so on. What the HELL is wrong with me! Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar since my moods change so rapidly. Maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows anymore?
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